Stripped Bare
by iheartShules
Summary: John mattered to the team, to their friends, to the world, but especially to her, he just didn't think he did. {Set in s4 post 4x13} AU since Joss is alive, and ALL Careese because seriously they own my heart. Rating will go up because well it's me XD
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: This originally was going to be an angsty oneshot in Careese Themes but it kind of expanded into a mini little ficlet because well my muse is mean to me and keeps finding inspiration in tiny things. It's set in season 4 but there are two things that make it AU; one, Joss is alive and secondly John is a detective but not a homicide detective as Joss is still alive but rather he's in the Gang Unit. Otherwise everything else is from the show.**_

 _ **This takes place just after 4x13. If you haven't watched season 4 I tried to make it easy to follow but if you are lost anywhere PM me and I'll let you know.**_

 _ **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_

 _ **I was going to post this later but I'm not sure if I'll be able to come on later, so I decided to post now :) Sorry for overloading and annoying everyone with stories.**_

* * *

Joss was sitting on her couch with her legs under her, sipping wine, thinking about her life, Shaw, her friends, and John. She couldn't even think of John as a friend as he meant more, so much more to her than that. But was it ever going to be their time to finally get things right between them? They weren't strictly friends anymore, maybe they never were, and they both were excellent at burying how they felt. At first it was a necessity, now it was habit. But she couldn't pretend to herself that they were just friends, brother in arms, or mere comrades working together for the better of the world because the feelings he aroused in her were far deeper than that.

And she wasn't naïve, she knew he had feelings for her that were not strictly platonic either. She had known for a while now that he had some feelings towards her but he hadn't even attempted to approach her about them. John's eyes lingered on her for a nanosecond too long, or his steely blue eyes would grow soft which tended to include some emotion swimming in them that he tried hard to hide. He was good at hiding, but not from her, never from her. She saw through the crap, could see a very vulnerable man hidden beneath all that gruff armor he wore and was just scared to get close. Then there was the fact that she caught him staring at her when he didn't think she was watching. But she was always aware of John. She smirked to herself as she sipped her wine. It was like her spidey-sense, her sixth sense, but she codenamed it lovingly and accordingly as her 'John-dar'.

But there was always something getting in their way; first she had to recover from her wound she got thanks to Simmons, then her friends had to go scattering thanks to that bad super computer they called Samaritan, and now they were co-workers. His desk was in her general vicinity, he worked in the Gang Unit after being transferred out of Narcotics and now was partnered with wet-behind-the-ears Dani Silva, who happened to be a former number and clearly didn't buy into his act. John wasn't exactly coloring the lines of the law all that well. In fact Captain Moreno, on more than one occasion, wanted her to keep an eye on the cowboy in the fancy suit.

Not to mention they had yet to sit down and just talk. Things between them had taken a backseat to what was going on currently and she had been okay with that because she didn't want to put any more stress on him then he already had. Joss could easily see the mounting pressure piling on top of John which worried her, each new day he stepped into the precinct there was a new line of fatigue etched on his face. His shoulders looked tense and she watched him more often than naught roll them as if trying to work away a knot himself. But not once had he complained, however she didn't know how much further he could go without buckling under the tremendous weight of working cases for the precinct, working the numbers, and trying to hide from some bad super computer that any wrong move could be his last. Coupled with all these he was being forced to see a police shrink, and then there was the fact that he was now down a man in Shaw.

Joss shook her head as she thought about her tiny fallen friend. She didn't actually see Shaw get gunned down at the hands of Decima and Samaritan's operatives until she heard a strangled half shout and half sob escape Root. She had been too involved in John to see or know what Shaw had done to save them. Everything was a blur besides John lying on the ground with a wound after taking a bullet to protect Finch. Finch had been so unsteady, so panicked stricken and in shock that she took over the care for John. She shelved her pain over John's blood caking her hands, swallowed her heart back down into her chest while keeping her cool professionalism in place, and just fell apart later at her place. She cried for him and cried for Shaw when she was alone. Joss wasn't even sure had she known what Shaw had planned if she would have been able to convince her not to risk it all and hit the override button for them. Shaw and John had that in common; they did the saving, not anyone else.

There was a soft knock on her door, stirring her out of her musings and got her glancing at the wall mounted clock. Who would be coming to her place at eight-thirty at night? She got to her feet, padding barefoot to the door in just her purple pajama shorts and matching tee, and peeked through the peephole. She started in surprise when she saw who it was. Joss immediately opened the door.

"John, why are you knocking?" she said, more in surprise that he was knocking instead of just picking the lock and letting himself in as if he owned the damn place then him actually being there.

John didn't answer, looked kind of disheveled and in pain. Her eyes scanned his body noting with dismay a crimson stain on that crisp white dress shirt of his, meaning he popped a stitch or two. She clenched her teeth to refrain from barking at him to take more care because he looked ready to drop any second.

She stepped back, letting him in. Joss eyed him softly, knowing the answer but she had to ask. "Did you and Root find Shaw?"

She saw his jaw tick, a slow bob of the Adams' Apple. "No," he managed.

"I'm so sorry, John," Joss said as she shut the door. He looked dazed a bit.

She mutely lifted her hands removing his long wool coat, along with his blazer. He was so out of it that he didn't even resist. She grabbed his hand gently tugging him towards her couch. He had been running on pure adrenaline, she knew, and it looked like it was catching up on him. She wondered how Root was doing, while she didn't particularly care about the woman after what she did to Finch she knew the woman did care about Shaw immensely and was coming through for the team. Maybe she could let bygones be bygones; however she wouldn't trust her as far as she could throw her.

John didn't say much of anything as he sat down, more like fell down, and she sat beside him. She cuddled close to him, slowly undoing the buttons of his dress shirt, eyeing the crimson stain with fading worry. It wasn't as bad as she was figuring when she saw it peeking out from under his coat and suit blazer. But still he was bleeding and she wanted to make sure it remained not serious. There was no joke or humorous retort about her undressing him which did worry her. John tried to diffuse any situation where he was being taken care of, reprimanded, or generally cared for with lame attempts at humor. The man just didn't know how to take support.

She peeled the dress shirt back, tugging ruthlessly on it until it gave way from his pants, and threw it on the floor. Next was the undershirt. Joss wordlessly tugged on it and murmured at him to raise his arms which he eventually did after a good minute of just sitting in a daze. It seemed like John was operating underwater, taking an additional few moments to actually do what was requested of him.

She tsked as she eyed the bandage. "John, you popped a stitch," she whispered after she had peeled back the bandage, eyeing the damage. She sighed with relief that it was the bottom stitch and only a little blood was trickling out.

He didn't respond. Joss lifted her gaze off his wound, well away from his toned torso, and eyed him softly, realizing he wasn't even here with her. He was staring forward, unblinking and undoubtedly not seeing a single thing in her living room. John didn't handle loss well and she wanted to hug him, but suspected her touch wouldn't be appreciated at the moment. If she knew anything about John it was that he was going to beat himself up for what happened to Shaw, so naturally by extension that meant any kind and supportive human touch was too good for him. First things first, she had to re-stitch his wound. Then she'd focus on making sure he blamed the right people for what happened, Decima, and not himself. John was a good man but he was only a man, he wasn't some superhero that could have swooped in and saved Shaw.

She tenderly ran a hand through the hair at his nape soothingly before she got to her feet. "I'll be right back," she murmured as if he would answer, knowing he wouldn't. He was so lost in whatever he was thinking about that she felt like she was intruding on him and he was in her living room. But one thing mattered; he came to her for help, he didn't go home and drink. John took the tiniest step forward in seeking help with his grief that didn't accompany the bottom of a bottle. He lost himself in alcohol after the loss of Jessica, of her own almost death, but this time losing Shaw he turned to her instead. Joss didn't say another word, rather hurried to her floor level bathroom, rummaging through the medicine cabinet for some additional medical tape, before opening up the vanity cabinet to grab the first aid kit. Thankfully she restocked her supplies last week.

She came back into the living room and found him exactly as he was before. Staring out into space, naked from the torso up, and looking like hell. His ears and nose were still red from the cold. She wanted to know just how long he had been wandering out in the dead of winter with these frigid temps. But she resisted lecturing him, barely.

She sat back down beside him, waited a beat but when he didn't even acknowledge her, her concern grew. "Where did your search take you?" she asked gently, trying to tug him out of the wasteland his mind had crawled off to. Nothing, not a single acknowledgment of her, and she frowned. Joss proceeded to dab a small amount of peroxide onto a cotton ball and blotted his wound where the stitch popped. John jerked the moment she touched the peroxide to the wound trying to cleanse it a bit. She knew it would sting but now she had his attention. "Now that you're back with me in my apartment, where did your search take you?" she asked again, gently, without offense to his lack of attention to her.

"Maple," he mumbled. "We had a lead, but…" he trailed off.

"But you didn't find her," she finished for him, detecting he couldn't or wouldn't. He nodded absently. "John, I don't have a local numbing agent, so this is going to hurt a bit," she whispered as she grabbed needle and thread after throwing the bloody cotton ball down on the table.

"I don't care," John said quietly. Her eyes lifted to his immediately, not liking that tone. It sounded hollow and empty. She shoved the needle with the thread under his skin with a little more force than necessary determined to jolt him out of the bad place he was sinking off into. He winced as he looked down, his eyes met hers.

"I do care, I care about you, and I don't like hurting you even if I'm re-sewing your popped stitch again," she said firmly. His eyes bore into hers and she just stared at him unblinkingly. He was the first to break the eye contact, so she resumed looking at patching him up. "So there wasn't anything at Maple, it was a dead end?"

John was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Shaw wasn't there, but some poor woman that got caught in the crosshairs because of Decima and Samaritan's plot to kill us was found there. Root and I got her out. But Shaw, she can be anywhere in the world, or dead." Joss saw the film of tears fill his eyes. She knew John valued his friends, they were his family as he had no personal ties anywhere else. She knew that Shaw and John viewed one another as siblings who loved one upping the other, but they cared about one another. She had seen it firsthand coming from both the trained operatives.

She kept silent while she finished patching him up. Once she was satisfied, she put a new and fresh bandage on him. She gathered everything up and would clean up tomorrow. She got to her feet and went back to the bathroom to wash her hands. When she came back she found John, who had taken a moment to tug his undershirt back on, still sitting on the couch. She sat down beside him and rubbed his arm affectionately and soothingly.

"John, we'll find her, don't give up hope," she whispered.

He turned his head to look at her. "It should have been me that hit the override button." A lone tear escaped from his sheer will of keeping them at bay. Joss reached up, dashing it away.

Her heart ached at the mere thought of it being him. She cared about Shaw and while it hurt that she was missing, Joss wouldn't know what to do if this man wasn't in her life. "You were injured."

"Yea, I was injured, I was the logical choice. Shaw should be with Finch and Root, while I should be…"

"No," she cut him off immediately. "Why does your life mean less than everyone else's?"

"I'm no great loss."

"You are to me." She stated fiercely. John mattered to the team, to their friends, to the world, but especially to her, he just didn't think he did.

He looked at her. "Carter, Shaw, she's…"

"Family, your friend, your partner, I know, John. I know you miss her," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck. His circled around her back tugging her to him, she stroked a hand through his hair.

Joss gently held him. He softly cried and she wanted to soothe his pain so badly. She just murmured wordlessly in his ear, feeling her heart swell. God, she loved him so. "Don't bottle it up, John, let it out. It's okay to miss her." she whispered as she kissed his ear. He clutched her tighter to him in answer, with his face in her neck, her arms wrapped around his neck as she stroked her fingers through his hair. She felt his tight arms wrapped around her middle, as if trying to pull her through him.

After several minutes she felt him go slack, his tight embrace loosened a bit, and she didn't hear his soft strangled noises. Joss leaned back a bit to look in his eyes. His blue eyes were watery, his incredibly long eyelashes were spiky from his tears, and she reached her right hand to rub the wetness away. They sat quietly like that for several moments before their lips were touching. Joss didn't know who acted first, was it John or her, or a combination of both but whoever it was they were a genius. She sighed into the kiss as he deepened it before he tugged her forcefully onto his lap, and she straddled him. He had brushed his lips against hers in the morgue but this-now this was so much better. She kissed him back as his hands roamed her back before lifting to settle in her hair. She tightly clutched his soft cotton undershirt in her fists as she opened her mouth wide in invitation the very second she felt his tongue swipe across her lips.

She felt like her body was roasting, an embarrassing amount of wetness seeped out of her as she rotated her hips, pressing herself against him intimately. They both moaned before he tore his mouth free from hers.

"Joss, I need you," he whispered.

She ran the backs of her hands against his wet cheeks. "I'm here, John."

He pulled her head down so he could kiss her hungrily, desperately, as if she could drown out the pain that was threatening to eat him alive. She kissed him back with an equal amount of fervor, sliding her tongue across the seam of his lips gently coaxing him to let her in. She had wiggled past his defenses that he had raised so high she hadn't been entirely sure she'd ever reach the top. She moaned softly as she rubbed up against his stiffening manhood. His hands were on her ass drawing her on him more firmly, liking their intimate touching. He broke the kiss to eye her as he carefully held onto her as he stood up. She wrapped her arms around his neck, while her legs curled around his strong hips.

"Tell me to stop now before I carry you up to your bedroom," he pleaded.

"I don't want you to stop, John," she said before nibbling at the corner of his mouth and peppering kisses against his cheek, forehead, and then softly on his lips. He didn't say another word before he started ascending the staircase.

* * *

AN: Yep, that ending would have been aggravating in Careese Themes, am I right? So I originally wrote the smut for a companion piece until I kept adding to it and now it has become it's own tiny thing. The story is centered only on Careese, any other character will make a minimal appearance, if at all. I guess I loved all the movement in John's psyche this season however I think had it been Carter there with him, for him it would have been 10 times better.

Chapter2 will be coming soon-ish with a rating increase XD

Thanks for reading XOXOXOXOXOX


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: Hope you guys are in for roller coaster of emotions that is this chapter.**_ _**Rating just got bumped up for the first half, if you are not a smut reader I suggest skip to the next line bar and you'll be good to go. If you are a smut reader, hope you enjoy ;D**_

* * *

John laid her down on the bed gently as he climbed on top of her, never breaking the searing kiss. She welcomed his heavy weight as their mouths were clinging together, tongues dueling for dominance, and since she was on the bottom it was only fair that she controlled the kiss. Joss licked her tongue across the roof of his mouth, earning a shiver. She moaned, ending the kiss as it became imperative that she got to his skin, but it seemed it was a necessity for him too. Their hands immediately went after clothes that were in the way. He tugged her shirt over her head and murmured in appreciation of her naked chest. She tugged his undershirt up and forced him to take it off, careful of his wound that she had just patched up. He rose up onto his knees throwing the shirt beside the bed before leaning over her once more. He supported his weight on his forearm while his other hand palmed her bare breasts, thumb rolling her nipple into a hardened pebble as he kissed her hungrily once more. His mouth was moving on hers, kissing her so intensely, before he swept his tongue into her mouth.

She faltered for a brief moment at getting to his skin because his kiss was sweltering, before she regained her brain function and remembered what she had been doing. Her hands went for the belt buckle of his dress slacks. Naked, she had to get him naked now. He broke the kiss, dragging his tongue down her chin, down her neck, and swirled the hot wetness around her areola before taking pity on her by gently nipping on her nipple before drawing on it greedily.

"God, John," she managed to undo his useless belt before undoing the fly. She slid a hand into his pants under his underwear, and wrapped a hand around his warm cock. She stroked him, loving the sounds he made in the back of his throat. It was one of the sexiest sounds. His mouth released her well treated nipple that felt sensitive to the even the soft breath washing over it.

His eyes caught hers before they closed as he kissed her so ferociously that she almost got whiplash. He was such an amazing kisser and seemed to love to kiss, to connect in that way. He pinned her to the bed and removed her hand from inside his pants, linking their fingers together as he ground down into her. The kiss lasted until oxygen was needed. John sat back breathing heavy, with lips wet from hers, and she knew hers had to swollen from his mouth sucking on them. His hair was sticking up in spots from her hands and fingers rumpling it. He looked hot as hell. John sat on his knees tugging her pajama shorts down her legs, finding her naked beneath.

"Shit, Joss," he whimpered quietly, feeling weak-kneed and his cock pulsed instantly as he eyed her beautiful sex. "So lovely," he leaned down, kissed her belly button as he slid his arms under her legs and immediately slid down to her center. He settled in without another word as he licked her, and reached up pinching her nipples. He groaned as his eyes shut…she tasted unlike any woman he ever had before. He tried to go slowly not to overwhelm her but he couldn't stop as he searched and explored her. She moaned again and again as her back arched and her hands reached up grabbing desperately at her pillows. He heard a buzzing in his ears as he sucked and swallowed her honey. He felt pinpricks of pain in his scalp but he was helpless to the need to immerse himself in her.

John's tongue was searching her like he was searching for buried treasure. Joss wasn't new to oral sex but she was new to the fact that finally a man knew what he was doing down there. Men in the past tried to please and pleasure her but they halfheartedly tried, didn't like doing it, or could not get it right altogether and she'd be bored instead of turned on. But not John, he clearly knew what he was doing, enjoyed doing it, and didn't half ass it either because she was panting in need already. Her hips lifted as he sucked on her clit gently at first before increasing the pressure until it nearly became too much, her nails digging into his scalp trying to pin his head between her legs as if he would stop. But she wanted him too because she wanted him inside her.

"John," she moaned loudly as she abandoned his soft hair to grab at his hands that were ceaselessly twisting, plucking, and pinching her erect nipples. He set a rhythm with his tongue, lips, and mouth that was quickly making the flickering embers of her orgasm nearly ignite. She felt it tightening in her stomach, tightening in her sex, as his mouth cruelly lifted from where she need him most, leaving her bereft of her climax. John was breathing hard, gulping in much needed air and she shook in need but she wanted more than this.

"No woman tastes like you, Joss," he whispered gruffly as he looked up at her from his position between her legs. "I could suck on you forever, I am going to enjoy watching you come apart, Joss," he admitted, kissing her intimately again. Her thighs jumped, tightening around his head a bit at the soft and brazen touch.

She wiggled a little, wanting more, needing to feel him inside her, stretching her wide, and filling her deeply. "I need more," she begged and it seemed he did too because he got to his feet, kicking his shoes off, toeing off his socks, and ridding himself of his pants and boxer-briefs. "You're beautiful, John," she said lowly as she sat up, staring adoringly at his penis that was very erect and a bit intimidating.

He looked at her before he smiled. It transformed his already beautiful face to just breathtaking. He should really smile more. But she wiped the smile away as she wrapped a hand around his eager cock. "Joss," he moaned.

"Come to momma," she purred and he laughed softly. She grinned, feeling his pain of before erased at least for a little while. At least for a little bit with her he could forget about what was happening. John climbed back onto the bed, their mouths tenderly touching as she pulled him to her, stroking her hand from his base up to his tip. She felt how powerful his erection was, felt him pulsating in her hand, and suddenly his hand pushed hers away.

Joss laid back and John was on top of her, nestled between her legs; she grabbed his shoulders hard as she whimpered as his tip rubbed at her slick entrance. He groaned but refused to enter her as he played with her and denied them both the sweet ecstasy just for a little longer. Her nails dug into his skin and she bit her lip so not to growl at him to shove his fucking dick in her, he seemed to want slow and tender. So did she, they could have fast and hard later, but she wanted him in her before she died of need. She was nearly mindless with want as she tried to roll her hips, trying to force him into her, but he gripped her hips in his big hands and held her down.

"John," she pleaded as the large tip of his cock kept rubbing, sliding, and teasing her. He would allow himself to slip in about a centimeter before the bastard slid back. He kissed her sternum, sucked on her nipple. "Please, John, I-I need you." He released her breast from his warm mouth.

Joss wanted to scream in happiness as he finally entered her in one swift thrust, but she was too caught up in him. His eyes slid close, as he sighed her name softly. She worked her jaw as he stretched her and filled her so deep. She felt full of John inside her heart and body. He slowly withdrew from her before he thrust into her deeply once more. She moaned softly as he set a slow pace. A slow but amazing pace as John rocked inside her, up and down, in and out, caressing every single inch of her.

Their warming and progressively dampening flesh clung together as they kissed and he moved inside her. He ended the kiss to moan her name as his body made love to hers. He leaned on his forearms, his hands cupping her face, touching her softly as he moved within her. John was completely stripped bare to her unlike ever before, it was eye-opening, and let her see in him. Fully see the man who yearned for a real connection, who was buried beneath his steely bravado. Her breath caught in her tightening throat as emotions got to her as their eyes met, and she wondered if he had any idea how exposed and vulnerable he looked right at this moment. Inside him was a wounded man with a broken spirit who just needed some TLC to feel whole again, and she was determined to do just that. If she didn't do it no one else would, including the man himself. Joss lifted her hips giving herself up to him, wanting deeper penetration, wanting him to feel love, easily reading his open expression that this wasn't just sex for him anymore than it was for her.

Joss grabbed at his strong, muscular thigh while wrapping her other arm around his neck as he gradually sped up. He leaned his head down with his mouth near her ear and she heard his breaths grow shallow. She listened to him moan her name in her ear as his cock kept the sensual pace. She felt the hot rise of her orgasm that was close to igniting under his mouth explode through her in waves of unremitting pleasure. John captured her mouth to silence her loud cry of his name. Her entire body shuddered, spasms rocked her core having a rippling affect throughout her body as she moaned in ecstasy into his mouth as her orgasm tickled John's as she felt him stiffening above her. He flung his head back and moaned her name loudly as he thrust into her hard and deep as he came.

After several minutes they both slumped on the mattress utterly spent, they laid together snugly, stroking their slowly cooling skin until she fell into a restful sleep.

* * *

John couldn't have this, wasn't allowed this, and even though he knew he didn't deserve this woman in his arms he still couldn't erase the foreign sense of happiness she brought him. Joss was asleep in his arms, spent from their night with her hair covering her face and his chest. Their legs were tangled together under her comforter, her limp hand rested over his heart as if even in sleep she was trying to protect it. She was always there and it felt like his chest was constricted as he remembered when she almost wasn't, and he tugged her closer to him.

The memory of how she felt in his arms, how welcoming her warm vagina had been, how amazing she was had his cock springing to life at the mere thought of seeking her welcoming warm and wet home once more. He was good at sex, loved giving oral, but only enjoyed receiving it from a woman he trusted—which weren't many. Loved fucking the woman until she was coming apart in his arms like Joss had done multiple times last night. He was a typical man, felt his ego swell a bit when they sang their orgasms to him, enjoyed getting them off again and again. Joss was no exception. He strove to make her come again and again before seeking his release, he always could hold off his orgasm as long as he wanted by sheer willpower to not let himself experience his climax. The discipline he was taught in the military he used in the sack too, however, Joss had sort of stole that control from him last night.

His erection was throbbing now, it would be so easy to get Joss as ready as he was and take another fill of her body. But he refused himself because he broke his only rule. Never get close and he got too damn close to Joss, so no, he couldn't wake her up with his mouth between her legs then fuck her into oblivion because it was much more than just sex. He didn't recall a time in the last decade when it wasn't just sex, just for release.

Alone in his thoughts he could admit that he loved this woman. It was such an unfamiliar emotion, love, he couldn't remember the last time he felt it. Jessica, an instant ache formed in him and look how well that turned out. He had pushed her away and she died. But Jessica and Joss were nothing alike. The only similarity they had was they wanted to help people, were nurturing, and extremely beautiful. But beyond that they were as different as night and day. Joss didn't need a champion, was mouthy and disagreed with him nearly on everything, while Jessica needed caring for and was quiet. Maybe he changed or maybe he always liked women that fought with him and didn't need saving, just never met one, or perhaps it was just Joss that interested him so. He loved everything about Joss Carter, from her stubbornness to her kindness, to her brutal honesty and her unyielding passion for justice. She was beautiful, intelligent, and everything he shouldn't touch. John's eyes drifted down and could nearly see bloody imprints from his hands of all the men and women he murdered over the years on her smooth and dark skin, it was enough to make him remove his now shaking hand from stroking her softly.

John swallowed hard as he looked at the woman sleeping against him. He couldn't lose this woman, she was everything to him, and his eyes sought the scar on her chest where Simmons had shot her. But he couldn't see it not with her arm and her hair in the way. He had kissed every single inch of that scar the second time they had sex. Joss had to forcefully push him away with firm hands on his cheeks, he hadn't realized he was sobbing until that moment, and he had grown embarrassed and slid between her legs and pleasured her to make her forget that he broke down and cried. What kind of man was he, crying while having sex with a woman? He was pitiful.

He was pathetic because he shouldn't have come to her place last night at all and dumped his pain on her. He should have gone home and be alone like he belonged. The allure of alcohol had been heady last night, yet he chose to forego it and come here. Joss made him forget his pain like alcohol, but not at all in the same way. She was soft to the touch, so loving….to loving, alcohol didn't love, it allowed him to see what a monster he was. But Joss didn't. Her unshakeable belief in him had him longing to believe in it too. John eyed her and felt like the bastard that he was. He had used Joss, again and again as his body couldn't seem to get enough fill of her. He emptied his seed in her as he emptied his anguish upon her.

John looked away from her. Kara was right, he was only good for one thing; killing, and that was it. He slid out from under Joss, careful to not wake her up. He grabbed his clothes got dressed and looked at her. Even though he didn't deserve to touch this woman, he reached down brushing her soft cheek with his fingertips anyway, wanting to feel her just one last moment, before turning and leaving. He took her stairs two at a time, grabbed his coats, leaving his dress shirt as he had no clue where it was and exited her home. He cinched his wool jacket around him tighter, feeling like a jackass for not at least waking her up, knew she'd want to kick his ass later for it. But if he woke her up, he didn't know if he had enough willpower to leave.

His cell buzzed with a text, he tugged it out of his coat and saw it was Finch asking him to join him at a diner for breakfast. He immediately texted back but decided to walk to the diner, hoping the cold air would help with his overheated libido. He arrived about ten minutes later, finding his friend already seated, eating, and waiting for him. He slid into a seat across from him and just ordered a black coffee, he wasn't hungry. After breakfast he would need to head home for a shower and to change for work.

"You look tired, Mr. Reese." Finch said quietly between bites. John didn't bother to respond because he hadn't slept much last night and not just because he and Joss engaged in sex quite a lot. While she slept he watched her and listened to her breathe. He had been afraid if he closed his eyes she would be gone, just like everyone else that had left him.

"I'm fine, any word from Root with a new lead on Shaw?" he asked and when Finch shook his head, a new wave of pain of not knowing what happened to his friend filled him.

Finch pulled out a slip of paper before handing him it. He eyed it, it was a jury's summons. "I'm afraid the unfortunate facts of having a real life have finally caught up to me, Professor Whistler has jury duty. And I can't ignore it for fear for attracting unwanted attention to my cover identity."

John handed him the paper back. "You'll just have to get out of it like everybody else."

"And if I'm stuck on a jury when the next number comes up?"

"Fusco, Carter, and I can handle it."

Finch looked at him. "About that, after everything that has happened, perhaps it's best if we left them out of our operations, for now." Cutting Joss from his life, could he even do that? But Finch was right he couldn't knowingly risk Fusco or Joss, not after everything that happened. He wouldn't survive if something happened to her, he wouldn't want to.

"When we started this you told me we'd both wind up dead, but this is worse. You're right, Finch, if we're shorthanded then we're shorthanded, we're not bringing anyone else into this," he agreed. It was their suicide pact, he was not dragging Joss and Fusco along with them. Fusco and Joss both had sons to live for, their whole lives ahead of them, and he loved Joss too much to let her risk her life for them.

* * *

John could see the anger in Joss's eyes as she made a beeline towards him as she entered the precinct, coffee in hand. Her dark eyes were narrowed and focused solely on him. He knew she was going to be upset when she awoke to find him gone without a note, without waking her. "We need to talk, John," she stated without any room for discussion. "Interrogation room, now," she snarled as she turned and didn't wait for him to acknowledge her, instead she slung her keys and coffee onto her desk before she stormed over to the interrogation room.

Fusco eyed him over his glasses that were pushed down his nose as he perused a file. "What did you do to piss Carter off this time, wonder-boy?" But John didn't answer Fusco, instead he got to his feet and followed her into the room, and she slammed the door shut behind him with much more force than needed.

"I woke and you were gone this morning, John." Her body was blocking the exit as if she suspected he'd try to leave.

"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you," he said softly, seeing the look on her face turn cross. Clearly that answer was one she didn't want to hear.

"Oh, because of an awkward morning after scene?" she sneered.

"No, because you needed sleep."

She arched a brow, then nodded. "Yeah I did, didn't I?—I mean you sure kept me up last night with the way you couldn't keep your hands off me. It is a damn wonder you made it out of my front door without waking me up to fuck me again." John could hear the hurt in her voice.

He swallowed hard, wanting to hurt her, to make her walk away like everyone else. She might hate him but at least she'd be alive to do so. "Detective, if this is all…" John started and she looked up into his eyes, startled. And he saw the flash of fury darken her already dark eyes.

"You bastard, I'm detective now!" she spat. "I sure the hell wasn't _detective_ last night."

He looked down at her. "Last night was a mistake."

She scoffed. "The only mistake you made last night, John, was not masking how you feel because the words you're saying right now don't match. You know, for a fucking spy you suck at lying!" she snapped, tears billowing in her eyes as she shoved him hard. He grabbed her forearms in his hands. "Why are you doing this?" she asked as the anger died on her face as she looked at him.

"Doing what?" he asked as he gently stroked her forearms before he released them, they hung loosely at her sides.

Joss searched his eyes. "Shutting me out."

He eyed her steadily. "I don't know what you mean."

She made a sound that sounded like a half laugh half cry. "You know exactly what I mean. John, you came to me because you were distraught over losing Shaw, and we got carried away. But it wasn't a damned mistake."

"I used you," he whispered.

"That's why you're pushing me away, because you think you used me last night? John, I wanted last night, I still want you, and I know you still want me too. Last night wasn't just sex for either one of us," she said quietly. Her liquid brown eyes got to him so he looked away.

"I'm sorry for last night, Carter."

She laughed and he lifted his gaze to her. He saw no humor residing on her face or in her eyes. "If you think I believe for one damn second you regret last night you have taken one too many punches to your pretty but thick head. You put this façade out there that you are Mr. Badass, Mr. Perfect, cool and calm and has it altogether because you think it's expected of you. You're John Reese, former CIA agent, that has murdered for his country, an embattled warrior with scars marring his body, and living his life to atone his sins. You have to walk the dark alone because you deserve nothing else."

"That's who I am."

"No, that's who you claim to be because there is a man hidden beneath that façade that I've seen glimpses of, you show me him when you feel safe and when no one else is around. He's the real one, when you're stripped bare of all your armor you wear to keep everyone out, there is a man that is shy and reserved, one that's scared because he's human, one that talks to me about nothing and everything at the same time. The one that showed up at my door last night seeking my help because he didn't know how to deal with the loss of a friend is the real one. I want that one because _that's_ who you are."

Joss watched as his hard eyes softened just the tiniest bit, it wasn't enough but it was a damn start. She suddenly grabbed the lapels of his suit blazer, tugging him to her, and took his mouth with hers. She poured all her anger, pent-up frustration, love, and acceptance into it. John limply stood there letting her kiss him, didn't pull away, and after a brief hesitation kissed her back tentatively. Once she was good and sure he was well and thoroughly kissed, felt everything she wanted him to, she pushed him back after a few minutes. She felt smug at the look on his face.

"When you're ready to be man enough to let me in and take what you really want from me, you know where I am, because I want the real John and not a damned substitute." She turned around, opened the door to the interrogation room, and left.

* * *

AN: I plumped you guys up with smut then smacked you with the angst ;D And I know several of you guys haven't seen season four but I did use lines of dialogue from episode 4x14. And if you have seen some of 4 you'll recognize bits and pieces from next chapter although I put my own spin on it since Joss is clearly alive and well in mine. Thanks for reading xoxoxoxoxoxoxox


	3. Chapter 3

**_AN: Just two small things, first the italics is a flashback to during their one night together. And secondly this takes place during 4x17 (Karma) I took a bit of dialogue from the episode._**

* * *

 _Joss crinkled her nose as she thought very hard but drew a blank so far, they used all the good ones already, but she wasn't losing, she'd come too far. "Tick, tock, time's almost up," John murmured as he traced his index finger up her spine, nearly distracting her with his touch._

" _Oh hush you, you're the one that started this competition in the first place and I hate losing, besides you're not even wearing a watch," she huffed as she wracked her brain for another world capital starting with B and she felt like she had a eureka moment. "Belgrade," she said triumphantly. John groaned and she grinned as she linked their fingers, kissing his chest softly as she lay beside him, chin now resting on his chest. "Boom, I just won didn't I?" she asked with a victorious smirk._

" _I thought I got you with Baku," he admitted._

" _Nope, tick tock John, or do you forfeit?" she teased._

 _He pushed some of her hair back as he turned to look at her with challenge sparkling in his eyes. "Buenos Aires."_

 _She laughed as she kissed the inside of his wrist. "Sorry, said that after you said Baghdad. I win." She sat up, perching herself on top of him, smiling down at him as he caressed her thighs. "I dedicate this victory to my eighth grade geography teacher, Mr. Thomas," she said with an exaggerated shake of her fist, before blowing kisses to the empty bedroom._

 _John laughed which she was aiming for. "You only won because you are like a geographical rain man," he complained but with a smile on his face and laughter dancing in his eyes. She needed to keep John's thoughts from crawling into the dark abyss as they had been before he came here. Seeing pain in his eyes again wasn't going to happen on her watch. Especially while they were in bed together, just talking about nothing and everything, because the little things he said just painted more of the picture of who the real John was. It was such a beautiful and loving picture, which she just wished he could see too. And who knew that John was playful once he shed his layers that he placed for the outside world. She enjoyed seeing this side of him, the one that was open, smiling, happy with her, and extremely touchy._

 _After a few moments Joss watched him as his smile slid away. She leaned over him, grabbing his cheeks softly, and kissed him. She dipped her tongue between his lips, wrapping her arm around his neck rolling onto her back tugging him on top of her._

 _She broke the kiss. "Mmm, I won so you owe me a prize."_

 _He smiled as his eyes darkened for a far different reason. "I have an idea." He purred as he dropped a kiss to her neck, before he proceeded downward, pushing her comforter off of them._

" _Oh, I bet you do." she sighed with a soft giggle as he dropped a kiss to her breasts, then her stomach on her scar, then her belly button. She grabbed at her headboard as he settled between her legs and his tongue touched her. "Oh god, John, you sometimes have the best ideas."_

* * *

Things between her and John had been a tad frosty for a couple of days after their night. It was a combination of them both being angry for their cooler than normal attitude towards one another. She was still a little peeved with him for trying to shut her out, as if he expected her to just walk away which would happen when hell froze over. For John, he had been angry with her when she determinedly swiped his missing person's file that were former numbers during the flash crash that he was looking into from his desk. He had glared at her when he realized she was working the numbers against his wishes, she made a smart-ass remark about him disciplining her and that his look was turning her on, which quickly deepened the scowl before he stormed off like a little boy who didn't get his way. John looked like a walking corpse with how pale, tired, and unhealthy he appeared to be. He was under too much pressure before they lost Shaw and now, without her to help take the load off, John looked about ten times worse.

She didn't give a damn what he or Finch said, she wasn't going to let them tell her what she fought for. It was her life and she be damned if she let two, considered-to-be dead, men who hadn't lived their lives in a long time tell her how to live hers. Thankfully Fusco felt the same way, backing her up as they told John and Finch in no uncertain terms that they weren't backing off. It seemed to make it through their thick paranoid skulls because John and Finch were once more calling upon them for help. Most recently John required their assistance with Harper Rose, a grifter that was a tad slippery, and it felt good to work the numbers with her friends again after they came to their senses.

She just wished John would come to his senses about them, but no such luck. Joss inwardly berated herself for her idiotic plan to let John come to her when he was man enough to let her in. Not one of her finest ideas to tell an emotionally unhealthy man that had far too many self-deprecating thoughts of himself to come to her, as that would happen when pigs could fly! But in her defense she was so mad at him for thinking he could even try to push her away that she hadn't been thinking straight. John was like the slowest man in the history of mankind to make a move, his brain more often than naught got in his way. He was always overthinking and so harsh on himself with thinking he held no value which had him running in the opposite direction.

Maybe if she could get him to understand that he was valued not just to the team and their friends, but especially to her, all this sheer nonsense of pushing her away would dissipate. She wasn't asking for an undying declaration, she just wanted in his life. Joss wasn't foolish enough to believe they'd have happily ever after without another blip in the road and she didn't even want that. She wanted realistic, her and John working at their relationship to be together because they loved each other. She wasn't naïve to believe that John's pain, self-doubts, and years of thinking he wasn't good enough would just magically fade because of her love. That happened in fiction in books or movies, but with time and effort to their evolving relationship he could realize that she loved him for who he was, and he didn't need to change one damn thing for her.

And now that she had time to think and calm down, allow her anger to fade, she changed tactics. Getting to John was like going into battle in war because each opponent was different. An all-out attack would likely get you somewhere but didn't mean you'd win. Taking a metaphorical sledgehammer to the invisible walls he erected and force her way in could work, but he'd most likely clam up and shut her out in the future because he didn't lay down his armor for her like he had the night they made love. Then there was going on defense in war, where, if you had an aggressive foe, you could win, but that tactic wasn't an option in this fight. Her unseen adversary wasn't aggressive or stupid, it was intended to inflict as much self-induced anguish and pain. It needed to be attacked somehow, which was why she nixed the idea of waiting for her lovable but hard-shelled turtle to make his move. John's psyche was fractured, he was so used to all the layers he put on that he completely forgot who he was. But she knew, she could see him underneath it all, and now she just had to get him to see himself through her eyes somehow. Her opponent was psychosomatic, John was afraid to live his life and make connections as he hadn't had that in a long time. So she settled on psychological warfare. She needed to be in his constant orbit, to show John that she was always there for him no matter what he said or did, that he wasn't alone anymore, this would be more powerful than any single word she could ever utter to him.

So she didn't approach their night together or what they meant to one another, allowing it to seep away like they allowed to happen with their moment in the morgue. He eyed her suspiciously at first, wondering what happened to her ' _come to me when you are man enough_ ' shtick, but they got back to working together and working quite well and their chilly attitude slowly warmed as the week progressed. They got back to being how they were, walking on egg-shells around their feelings for one another. Pretending they didn't exist, eyes lingering on one another for far too long to be just mere friends, and longed for more without the other's knowledge. It was comfortable for him, she didn't push for more, instead she picked and prodded at him, taking well aimed shots at fissures in his hard shell that she could easily detect, those that he didn't.

She got him to continue his psych sessions with Iris Campbell which was a huge win. It might be easier for him to speak to someone he didn't share any personal connection with, because she knew John wanted to talk, could see it shining in his expressive eyes, could see he loved her, but didn't know how to get out of his own way. John always chose the path that caused him the most pain, the path that kept him alone; he chose the dark, because it was all he had known for decades. But John's self-destructive tendencies weren't forged overnight, so dispelling them from him wouldn't miraculously happen overnight either. However, her worry about those tendencies of John's led her to a restaurant where she called a meeting at with Zoe Morgan. John was a creature of habit and she'd be damned if Zoe was going to pick up the pieces of John because he was scared of their connection and what it might mean for his once bleak future. She slowly approached the pretty brunette who was dressed in red, with her long hair curled slightly.

Zoe always had a dazzling smile on her face and this time was no exception. "This was an unexpected surprise, Joss," Zoe said in a way of greeting as she sat down across from her.

"Yeah, well I have a question I wanted to ask you, so I figured a lunch meeting would get me that," Joss explained.

Zoe grinned and leaned her chin on her fist. "Do ask, detective."

"Are you and John sleeping together?" she asked bluntly.

Zoe reared back a little in shock. "Well, you just cut to the chase don't you, Joss?"

She shrugged. "Why bother beating around the bush? I asked you here for a reason and I'm a busy woman and I know you are too."

"And why is this any of your business?" Zoe asked with a coy look.

"Oh you know exactly why, Zoe, it's why when we first met you introduced yourself to me as John's wife," Joss said with a knowing look before ordering just a coffee when the waitress approached with Zoe's salad. Once she was gone, Joss shifted her eyes back on Zoe who had yet to answer her question as she opened the packet of dressing. "So are you?"

"Well you did ask nicely. John and I haven't slept together since he called, asking me if I wouldn't mind being bait for Ian Murphy, who chose you. I made him pay for my services with a nice night for the both of us."

"That's it?—that's a long time ago." So no funny business went on while Zoe helped work the Emma Blake number, she had been sorely disgruntled over finding out Zoe was helping John when he had all but decreed her and Fusco weren't allowed. But Zoe confirmed that John hadn't exactly wanted her help, she just wouldn't leave any more than her and Fusco left them alone. "Have you two talked since helping Emma Blake?" she asked.

"No, but that's not unusual since that's not the type of relationship we have. What was strange is that he turned me down for a night, he's never done that before," Zoe admitted trying to sound glib, but her face gave her away. She wasn't happy he turned her down and Joss felt herself take a deep breath in relief. So Zoe offered and John turned her down, so even though he was keeping her at arms' length he wasn't seeking sexual release with his sex pal. But it did make her wonder if he turned Zoe down because of her or if John was walling himself off completely, isolating himself from everyone. And her relief drifted away, replaced by growing concern about the man she managed to fall in love with.

"I see," she said thoughtful.

"John and my arrangement was whenever we felt the urge and the other was available, we'd get together for a night or a weekend, and that was it. Nothing more, we aren't capable of anything else."

Joss felt her hackles rise. "Maybe you're not," she said, not liking her attitude. "But John is." John needed people to build him up, not tear him down, he did that enough himself.

"John isn't either detective, we're cut from the same cloth and emotional entanglements aren't meant for people like us."

"You're wrong about John, maybe you don't want an emotional entanglement but he does, he just doesn't know how to achieve them."

"I'm trying to protect you, Joss. He doesn't let people in, just like I don't. It's not in our nature."

She snorted. "More like protect your interests, Zoe. You want John, understandably, so I don't begrudge you. But you're wrong, because he can let people in."

"Detective, if I didn't know any better it sounds like you are in love with him."

"I am in love with him, I love everything about John. His emotional hang-ups don't scare me like it would with a lesser woman and we both know John has a lot of baggage. But I know what a good man he is, he just needs help to see it himself,"she said simply.

"I told him before and I'll tell you, Joss, there's not a woman alive that can fix him."

She took a sip of her coffee before leaning forward. "I don't want to fix him, Zoe. I want to love him for who and what he is and nothing else. He's everything to me all rolled up into one; he's an equal, a partner, my best friend, and the man I love. I lived a hard and long life, Ms. Morgan. I always wanted to do everything by myself because I learned a long time ago you could only trust yourself, so no one could let you down," she explained as she played with the ceramic mug before taking another sip.

Zoe ate a little of her salad as she eyed her. "But not with John."

"John was the first man I trusted with my life and more importantly my son's. He's the first man to get me in a long time, he understands when I want to do things myself and he doesn't push. And when he knows I need help, even if I don't ask or want it, he's there. He's always had my back and I have his. John's at a turning point in his life because of this faux life he was forced into. He's being forced to face things he hasn't had to, like his future, making connections, and living in the world rather than outside of it, and I'm going to be there for him. No matter how much he tries to push me away, John would be an unmovable pillar for me, and I'm going to be the same for him."

Zoe didn't say anything as Joss spoke, just merely ate her salad while listening. "John has always talked about you fondly, sometimes too fondly, so if there is anyone that could get him to let them in, its you, Joss."

Joss smiled as she sucked down her coffee before standing and pulled out a few dollars. "Thanks for the lunch, Zoe, and the info."

"Good luck detective, I believe you're going to need it."

"Luck has nothing to do with it," Joss said before she turned and walked out of the restaurant.

* * *

John sat quietly in Iris's office. "There seems to be a bit of darkness about you today, detective." He looked at her as she rounded her desk and sat down in the chair across from him. He had slowly opened up to this woman, he felt comfortable enough speaking about certain things with her, but not everything. Joss thought furthering sessions would give him an outlet away from the numbers, thought having someone he didn't care for besides a professional level to talk to would do him some good, so he took her advice and furthered regular sessions after his mandatory ones were done.

"I met a guy this morning that lost someone, changed his whole life, and it just brings up bad memories," he said looking away. Like Jessica and like when he almost lost Joss. He swallowed hard, Joss had been in critical condition for weeks. He didn't think he was going to ever see her again and he lost himself.

"And how do you handle loss, John?"

He looked at her. "You don't want to go there."

He could see that wasn't the answer she wanted. "John, you're retreating inward again. What did you say about new habits?" Iris asked. John wanted to form new habits, learn how to get close to a woman again, and learn to let people fully in. People like Joss. He longed to tell her everything he had always been scared to, especially tell her how much she meant to him. But everyone he ever loved was dead and he immediately shut Joss out of his mind. Love, a future, happiness weren't for people like him. "John?" Iris gently prodded.

"Developing new habits isn't as easy as it sounds."

Iris's kind eyes searched his face. "Alright, how about a subject that you feel more comfortable speaking about today?" He nodded his head, grateful. Joss was right, Iris Campbell was good and knew when to back off when he didn't want to speak and would come back to the topic when he felt better. "A few sessions ago you talked a bit about Detective Jocelyn Carter and what happened to her with HR." John froze. "I sense there is something else going on besides what you said."

He swallowed a bit trying to school his reaction. "I knew her before I was transferred to the Eighth, she's a friend of mine, a great cop, and she inspires me to be a better one myself," he said quietly. It was mostly the truth. She inspired him to be a better man even though he lost that part of himself a very long time ago.

Iris leaned her chin on her fist. "When you spoke about her you were near tears at the fact that she almost died. Tell me about that, tell me how you felt when you learned she was gunned down." John remained silent. He felt like he was dying when he held onto her. He closed his eyes not wanting to remember her bleeding profusely from her wound as he tried to staunch the blood flow while bleeding out from his own injuries, petrified he was going to lose the only thing that mattered to him.

Iris watched him as torment etched on his face and she sat forward wishing she could banish this pain from him. But he needed to talk about it, while she could see he wanted to talk at some points, at others he wanted to hide more. Sometimes John was a tough nut to crack. "John," she said, earning his eyes back on hers and he carefully masked his expression but not his eyes. She could see something in them as he thought about the detective. "I know Detective Joss Carter because I was the therapist she was mandated to see before she sought active duty again after she was nearly killed. She's an amazing cop, a nice woman, and I respect her greatly. You both share a common similarity of wanting to protect and save people," Iris said and watched as he flinched.

"The world can't afford to lose her," he whispered so gruffly.

"The world?—or you can't?" Iris asked, feeling she knew the answer but wanted to see if he would open up about what Detective Carter meant to him or not.

John stiffened. "Our hour is almost up." He said glancing at his wristwatch.

She sighed as he shut her down immediately. John had made great progress the last two sessions but this morning he was retreating further inward, back to how he was during their very first session. She felt like she was back at square one with him and tried to smile. "Alright, I'll let you off the hook early this time." Not because he earned it with forward movement but because she needed to think up a new strategy to get him to open up once more. Iris watched as he stood up even his gait was standoffish, and she wanted to help him. Helping people like John was the reason she sought to become a psychologist in the first place. He was a good man, just lost. She could clearly see he had something for Detective Carter, whether it was love, a crush, or great admiration she didn't know, but whatever it was he wasn't ready to talk about it. "I'll see you for your next appointment."

He turned to look back at her. "Yeah," and with that he turned and left.

* * *

Part of her wanted to be at home, because she was super tired. But the bigger part of her wanted to push John's buttons and force him to confront what he was feeling head on. She learned John had scored a pair of tickets to a charity gala for their newest number, asking Fusco to accompany him and Iris who had gotten him the tickets. Well, Joss snatched the ticket out of Fusco's meaty hand, saying she'd do it. Fusco had been glad because he didn't want to wear a tux or cummerbund.

Joss eyed the gown she wore. It was simple and elegant, in eggplant purple. She wore diamond studded earrings, with a diamond bracelet. She rarely got to dress up like this in an evening gown. When she got dressed up for dates they were pretty and simple dresses, nothing like this. In the back the fabric crisscrossed showing off patches of her bare back, and had thin straps for sleeves. She'll probably be cold at the gala but oh well, this gown would surely make John salivate. She put her state-issued piece into her clutch, smiled at her reflection before exiting her bathroom. She rushed down the stairs.

"Taylor I'll be out for the night." She said as she entered the living room seeing he was already playing online on his XBOX One.

"Okay mom, be careful and have fun."

She smiled at his overprotectiveness. He'd been like that ever since she was shot. "Make sure you do all your homework and be in bed by midnight," she admonished as she got her black suede mid-thigh length coat, before tugging it on as she walked back to eye him in the living room while she flicked her hair out under the collar.

"I will, just be careful," Taylor pleaded as he tore his gaze off the game to look at her. She smiled at him.

"I will, baby, see you later."

* * *

John and Iris waited patiently for Joss out in the lobby. Iris had her hair up in a bun with a halter style black dress. "Thanks for getting me in, doc," he thanked while they waited.

She smiled. "You're the one doing me a favor, John, as the NYPD has a table at this gala every year. And I'm always looking for people willing to come represent the precinct." She had been a little shocked when John called her up this afternoon, out of the blue, to agree to come with her and had someone to give the other ticket to. She had made a passing remark about the event a week or so ago and he had shown zero interest in going. She had been hoping he would since she wanted to see how he interacted with others. John was a little quiet in their sessions and she wanted to get a firm handle on how he was outside of their sessions. So she was happy he had changed his mind before she asked the Captain to help her scrounge up two unwilling newbie detectives. Iris saw Joss Carter round the corner and heading towards them. But John didn't. "And I was appreciative that you had someone to give the extra ticket to," Iris said with a nod behind him.

"Well you do clean up nice don't you, John." He blinked as he turned and saw Joss approaching him and he stared. He couldn't help it. She was so beautiful, clearly the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

John continued to stare at Joss unblinkingly. "John," Iris whispered, wishing he wouldn't be rude, then smiled at the look on his face. Well it wasn't admiration or a crush, John Riley was in love with Detective Carter. She filed that away for a future session.

"Dr. Campbell," Joss greeted, not seeming to care about the blatant and gawking gaze from John as if she had dealt with it many times before, and hugged her. "How are you? I'm sorry I haven't stayed more in contact, you really helped me out with all my anger over my shooting, Dr. Campbell."

Iris smiled as they parted. "Iris, please, and it's fine, you are an extremely busy woman and not many cops want to be seen saying hello to the mousy shrink. But I'm good, how have you been feeling, Joss?"

"Good, real good," she assured.

Iris nodded, happy to hear that. "You look amazing. You are so beautiful, Joss."

"Thank you, Iris, you are looking good yourself," Joss said, eyeing her dress before sliding John a look. "How is it going wrangling in our cowboy in the fancy suit?" she motioned at him with her head, a dazzling smile on her face.

Iris chuckled. "He's a piece of work."

"He's also right here," he grumbled.

The two women took their pity on him before they each walked on one side of him, hands around his elbows as he escorted them both in. He tried to ignore Joss's warmth but couldn't. He listened as the two ladies spoke and it was clear they had equal respect for one another. John shifted a bit when both women sat down with a seat between them, clearly wanting him there. There was nothing innocent in either woman's gaze for far different reasons and he glowered. Great now he'll have both women watching him like hawks, he sighed.

"Finch there better be a reason I'm here," he growled quietly to his friend who was listening in via earwig, before sitting down between the ladies. "So, Iris, I think the reason you can never get anyone to come is that the tuxes keep them away," he said, trying to keep conversation from shifting onto him.

"Oh I don't know, John, you look quite debonair and appealing in yours," Joss piped up, giving him a long look over that was anything except innocent, as he looked at her in surprise that she was openly flirting with him in front of Iris. She leaned close. "Although your bowtie is a little crooked," she murmured leaning into him. He stared at her as she undid his tie to fix it. In seconds she was finished and smiled. "Better."

Iris leaned over and smiled as she nodded. "Much better," she agreed as she sat back.

Their number, Shane Edwards, got up to speak about the foundation for which the black tie gala event was in name for, his deceased wife, and listened to his impassioned speech. After the speech was made, dinner was served, and Iris and Joss fell into conversation while he vaguely listened and only managed a one word reply when necessary.

His eyes were keeping watch on his number as he spoke with an elderly man who wouldn't be a threat to a bug, so he shifted his gaze to Joss watching how animated she became as she spoke with Iris about something that made her laugh and smile. She was beautiful, like a goddess, but with her whole face lit up and under the soft lighting she looked heaven sent. Her dark hair was down and curled with her bangs swept off to the side. His fingers itched to slide in her hair, he wondered if she curled her hair on purpose because he was weak for them. She had smoky makeup on with a mouth-watering red lipstick beckoning for his lips to taste hers. John never believed he could physically ache for a woman, but he did for Joss.

Joss's eyes landed on his. "Will you, John?" she asked sweetly.

He shifted as both Iris and Joss eyed him expectantly. "Er…yes," he agreed, pretending he heard a word they were saying.

Iris sat back in startled surprise before she smiled happily. "Well by all means," she said and he looked between the women unsure of what he just agreed with, and Joss stood up.

"Well come on, John, you did just agree to share a dance with me."

He frowned when he realized Joss played him. He stood up slowly and took her hand to lead her out to the dance floor where other men and women were already at. "You did that on purpose," he muttered as he took her into his arms. She rested her right arm around his neck as he held her left hand. John turned so he didn't have to make eye contact with Iris who was watching them with her arms crossed decidedly in therapist mode. He felt on edge, having both women watching him with their sharp intelligent gazes.

She smiled. "Well, it's not my fault you weren't paying attention better, you could have said no." They swayed to the soft music. Joss watched as John looked around the room searching for the threat. "John, relax, if something happens we're here." He looked down at her in his arms as he subconsciously pulled her closer to him. He rested her hand he was holding on his chest as his large left hand rested just above the swell of her bottom. "I missed this." She whispered.

He eyed her questioning. "Missed what, Carter?"

She smiled sadly. "Being close, just us being us, ever since our night you have been keeping me at arms' length. I miss you."

"I miss you too," he agreed quietly. She smiled, she had been anticipating silence not an acknowledgment to her statement. Maybe her careful prodding of John was working. They swayed to the music as she contemplated him. He looked a little more open now, after that speech Shane Edwards gave about his deceased wife, wondering if it got to him.

She lifted a hand to touch his cheek that was smooth, unlike their night when it had been stubble roughened, leaving her skin feeling burned the morning after. His eyes met hers at the tender touch, before dropping her hand down. "Come home with me tonight, John, so we can talk about things, like our future," she said as she discreetly as possible got closer to him. He smelled amazing, loved his heat that enveloped her. It warmed her as she shivered a little from chill. "Together," she added so he knew with no uncertain terms what she meant.

"What future, Joss? I can't have one," he said, looking sad.

She felt hopeful because he didn't blatantly shut her down. "We can have a future together, John. You're just scared to think so because you believe you should be alone."

"It's better that way."

"It's safer that way," she countered softly, taking the sting out of her contradiction. She didn't want to fight or argue with him right now, she just wanted him to understand. He was so used to hiding in the shadows and being a ghost, he was scared to live.

John stopped dancing as he looked in her eyes. "Everyone I have ever loved is gone. Iris says love is a basic human need, but all love has ever done for me is brought pain and loss." Joss felt her heart skip a beat. He was opening up just barely, it was a morsel but she'd take it.

"So tell me John, how has it worked out being alone, have you not suffered any pain or loss?" she asked. His silence was telling. "Have you ever considered that keeping people out and pushing people away is just suffering more loss, John?"

"It protects you from loss," he said desperately, as if trying to make himself believe it.

"No, it doesn't because shutting people out cause's loss too; loss on living your life because you're all alone. But you don't have to be, you told me I wasn't alone and neither are you." She said as she searched his gaze, watched as he recoiled so she tightened her hold on him, and felt close to something. "I'm not going anywhere," she promised, never breaking eye contact.

"You should," he whispered. They grew quiet as they slowly swayed to the music, once more realizing they were just standing out on the floor holding one another.

She watched as he looked around, making sure there was no threat to Shane Edwards. Once she had his attention again she spoke. "Why, because you don't have the willpower to leave me yourself so you want me to walk away first?—say you did what was best for me, because you're not good enough for me?" she pressed, not letting up. His eyes were wide, his big blue eyes glittering in the soft dimmed light, she could see his guard he had raised so high since their night was crumbling around him and she could see inside him again. There was her beautiful vulnerable John, the one who longed for a connection that was hidden under the gruff Reese exterior. She stepped closer so they were practically touching as her chest brushed his. "Yep, I have your number don't I, John? It might have worked with Jessica but I'm stronger than her. I won't walk away from you, I won't be like everyone else in your life, which I could prove if you would just let me."

She rubbed his tense shoulders as they continued to gently move to the music, eyes on his as he looked at her with an unknown expression that she couldn't possibly read. " _Mr. Reese and Detective Carter, I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, but Mr. Morris just entered and is heading right for our number, Dr. Shane Edwards._ " Finch's voice piped up into their earwigs and they sprung apart completely forgetting about their friend listening in on them. He silently cursed as he looked around and saw Wyatt Morris who had been convicted of killing Edwards' wife hurrying towards their number.

They stood watching as Edwards and Morris made a scene before Morris slipped away. He touched Carter low on her back as he leaned close. "Stay close to Edwards, I'm going to follow Morris."

Joss looked frustrated. "Be careful, John," she said simply.

* * *

AN: Sorry for all the long chapters but this story has that as a theme since the next chapter is long too. I had to change my original idea for Terra Incognita because it was way too damn confusing having a hallucination Joss with a real Joss, and I had no real idea of how to differentiate them so I hope you guys enjoy what I did.

Thanks for reading and enjoying my wishful thinking of what could have happened in season 4 had our beautiful and lovely Joss around.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN: This takes place immediately at the end of Karma with the bits of the dialogue of the last session with Iris/John just tweaked for my uses XD Oh and in my story I gloss over 4x18 and 4x19 as they served no purpose to me lol. So if you did see season 4 and notice the time-frame is a little off it's by design.**_

 _ **And this isn't as long as the other chapters, the next long chapter is chapter 5 :D**_

* * *

John sat quietly in Iris's office. He was exhausted. It had been a long night, they barely got Shane Edwards to not commit suicide, making it appear like murder to pin it on Wyatt Morris. Finch had blamed him for letting Shane go, letting him exact retribution because it was what he would do and had tried to do when he nearly lost Joss and Shaw. It was the exact thing he had done with Peter, he murdered him so he couldn't fault Finch's anger. Iris was seated across from him just watching. "You're even quieter than usual," she commented finally.

He looked at her. "Long night."

"Want to talk about it?" He just stared at her and she nodded her head, before sitting up and her small face growing determined. "Alright, let's talk about payback then." He eyed her perplexed. "I got you into the gala so you owe me. I want something real about yourself, so no more shutting me out. Tell me something you're not so proud of, starting with how you deal with loss."

John sat there feeling like he was on the opposite end of the same manipulation he had used on countless CIs for the CIA, but he had needed those tickets to be close to Shane Edwards. He closed his eyes, Joss said this would be good for him. He opened his eyes and looked at Iris who was looking at him expectantly. "There was a woman once." He paused. "She meant everything to me, but I kept her at arms' length and I went away for a long time. Then I learned she died." He halted.

"Then what happened?" Iris asked softly. He lost himself, he had killed, and wanted to die. But he said nothing, couldn't. "John, talk to me, if you ever want to move on you need to grieve."

He looked at her. "I'm not sure I know how to do that."

"Try. What was her name?"

"Jessica."

Iris nodded. "What happened when you lost Jessica?"

"I lost myself. For a long time I drifted and drank myself to oblivion, but it didn't work," he said gruffly. Iris could have told him that. Alcohol was a depressant, it made things worse. "So…I contemplated something that would get the end result I wanted."

"You contemplated suicide," she said. When John just sat there, she sat forward. "John, you need to voice it. You contemplated suicide didn't you?"

"Yes."

"So what stopped you? What changed your mind?"

He closed his eyes. "Joss," he whispered brokenly. "She changed my mind, she didn't even know who I was or what I had been and she wanted to help me. Then I met this guy, my friend, who gave me a purpose to live—to help people," he said as he opened his eyes.

Iris didn't say anything, just looking at him with those gentle green eyes. John's feelings for Joss were far deeper than what she figured. So, almost losing her must have had a profound and deep effect on him. "And when you almost lost Joss, you lost your way again, didn't you, John?" He barely nodded his head. "How did you feel, John?"

He swallowed hard. "Like I couldn't breathe, like I was losing the only thing that mattered. I can't lose Joss."

"John, have you ever told her how you feel about her?" He shook his head. "You don't have to be alone, you can share your life with her, you don't have to carry your burdens by yourself."

He looked at her. "Session is over, Iris," he stated firmly as he stood up. She nodded as she followed suit. She touched his forearm.

"Alright, John, you did good, but just think about telling her how you feel. Don't shut her out, you shut out enough people in your life, let one in," she suggested and he just looked at her. "Go, I'll see you for our next appointment," she said with a smile. He nodded, turned and left.

* * *

He felt raw still. John stormed into the bull-pen of the precinct, ignoring Fusco who eyed him questioningly. That session with Iris earlier this morning ripped open old wounds that never healed, he nearly let Iris get him to believe he didn't have to be alone, he nearly believed her. Then he thought about Joss in his arms, dying, and how the next time would be his fault because of Samaritan. Look at what they did to Shaw and he immediately shut it out. He couldn't have Joss, their one night was it. It was all he could have.

"John, you okay?" he blinked as he looked at his partner who was seated at her desk. Silva's eyes were on him with concern.

"I'm fine, Silva." He tried to dismiss the suffocating feeling he was experiencing that was slowly strangling him, knowing the only way he could breathe again was to go to Joss.

Silva nodded her head before looking back down at her casefile in her lap as she ate an apple. He walked past her to head for the evidence room, determined to get the Chase Patterson file. He wanted to bury himself in anything, thankfully they had gotten a new number. He entered and found a big burly uniformed officer waiting for him.

"Chase Patterson casefile," he requested and officer disappeared into the abyss of old cold cases never solved. Minutes later the guy appeared with the file for him and he perused it quietly while the guy talked chummily as if he never got any visitors. John was shocked that it was one of Joss's earliest cases when she became a homicide detective. His number was up and he was back in town, which meant he could close this case for her. "Thanks," he said, looking up from the case as the man was talking about something he hadn't been listening to.

"You're welcome," he called out as John whirled around and left, walking back into the bullpen and seeing Joss at her desk. He faltered as he slid the file closed before walking past her and ignoring her sweet Jasmine scent that circled the air.

Joss looked at him. "Silva wanted me to tell you she had to run, that she had a lead on your case," she said and he nodded his head mutely. "What do you have there?" She looked pointedly at the casefile in his hand.

John put the file down at his desk as he sat down. "Nothing that I can't handle, Carter."

"Are you sure because I could help. Finch called, needing Fusco and me to help do a shakedown with Elias's man that shot those guys of Dominic's? I could let Fusco go and help you," she offered, tugging on her pantsuit blazer.

"Help Finch, he needs it more,"he assured her, not meeting her eyes all the way.

She nodded and smiled. "Alright, call me if you need me," she said softly and he nodded while he watched her and Fusco leave.

* * *

Joss could wring Finch's neck for his ill-timing. John had been so close. She just knew she had gotten through to him a little bit, had been waiting with bated breath, and then the blasted third wheel reminded them they were working Shane Edwards' number and John promptly clammed up!

She looked up when she felt a presence near her desk. Silva was standing there. "Have you seen my partner?"

"No I haven't, why?" She knew he was out working a number, but figured he had checked in before she got back with Fusco after helping Finch and Root get Elias's guy to speak. More like Root got him to speak, they seemed happy to know that it wasn't premeditated and their super computer was working A-OK.

"Riley's been a ghost and while it's like him to disappear, he tends to check in with me via text or phone call, and he's been mum all afternoon. I noticed you two were tight and I figured you might know where he was."

Silva sounded worried which was odd coming from the gruff detective that reminded her of herself to be honest. Silva didn't trust anyone except for John, Silva eyed her and Fusco with contempt, and Joss had noted with a cursed jealousy that John trusted her in return. The two had gotten close since John was transferred to the Gang Unit and given the wet-behind-the-ears Silva as a partner to train. Silva was to wrangle in the lone wolf and force him to have a partner to work together with. Silva and John worked well together and she had been irritated that he chose to go to Silva on occasion instead of her.

"We are close, but John hasn't made a peep all afternoon," Joss conceded. "We have a mutual friend, I'll give him a call, see if he heard from John."

"Do whatever, I'm going to look for my partner." Silva turned and Joss couldn't even get irritated with Silva's attitude, it was all concern induced while she called Finch.

"Hello detective, no I haven't seen or heard from him. Actually I was hoping he had talked with you or Detective Fusco," Finch admitted and she resisted the urge to snap at him for listening in on her conversation yet again.

"When was the last time you talked with him?" she demanded.

"We had a new number that he worked by himself to let me and Ms. Groves look into making sure the machine was working right. The last time I heard from him was when we were at the hospital together to speak with Elias's man."

"Alright, who is the number?" she asked, hands hovered over the keyboard to type his/her name in.

"His name is Chase Patterson."

She sat back in shock. "Chase Patterson's number is up?"

"Yes, you know him?"

"Yeah, he was the prime suspect of a cold case of mine. But I didn't believe he was the killer, not like Terney did."

"Well, Mr. Reese was working his case."

She swallowed hard as anger built up. He worked her cold case alone! "So John hasn't checked in?"

"No, Mr. Reese keeps a certain distance but this is not like him." Finch sounded extremely worried and she felt an edginess of her own seep into her bones. She just knew something was wrong with John, John promised to call her if he needed her...and that's what scared her. What if he couldn't?

"I have to head home, I made a copy of that case for myself," she told Finch. It had always haunted her that an entire family was slaughtered. She didn't believe for a single millisecond that Chase killed his family. There had to be someone else and with his number up, that meant whoever killed his family was coming back to finish the job and John might be caught up in it.

* * *

Joss had gone home to find the file to get the address of the cabin Chase's family owned. She knew it was in the Catskills but had no idea just where. It was out there with low cell service and zero cameras which meant no machine to help locate John. Once she had the cabin's location she tore off for it, calling Fusco to have him and Silva meet her there. She had a sinking suspicion that John was there. Call it her John-dar, a hunch, or some other worldly sense, whatever it was, she just knew he was there in trouble.

It was dark out, the roads were snow ridden. She tried to take her time for the road conditions but on more than one occasion she sped feeling like he was slipping away. She sighed in relief that her hunch was correct as she saw his car, maybe he got stuck. But as she got closer his car looked empty and there was another car-a white one, one she never saw before. She climbed out, running through the high snow towards his car and saw a body in the snow. She paused as her hand immediately went for her gun, moving cautiously to the unmoving man. It wasn't anyone she readily recognized, as she reached down and touched her fingers to his neck. He was dead and she saw the gunshot wound to the chest. Someone shot him. She whirled around and let out a silent cry. She ran to the unknown car that housed a slumped over John as she holstered her gun once more.

"JOHN!" Joss swallowed her pain as she carefully opened the driver's side door. He had tears running down his ashen cheeks but his eyes were closed. His lips were blue and she was worried when he wasn't shivering. She immediately reached out touching her fingers to find a pulse and sagged with relief when she felt one. It was weaker than it should be but he was still with her. "John, I need you to wake up." When she got nothing she slid the door closed, ran to the passenger side and climbed in. She needed to access his injuries, and needed to get him to her car that was warm, she tugged his coat back. "God, John." She grimaced as she immediately saw the exit wound.

"I figured if I didn't have a picture, I'd be better at my job." he slurred suddenly, making her jump a little.

She blinked in surprise. He was awake! His eyes had been closed and had been unresponsive just seconds ago. "JOHN!" she cried and his head turned, but it was like he was looking right through her. Like he was seeing someone else, she watched as tears welled up in his eyes.

"So when I came back, I ended things with Jessica."

She blinked not understanding him. "John, you're delirious." And just like that it hit her. He must be hallucinating, and she panicked. That was the last symptom from hypothermia. He was freezing to death. She climbed out of the car running to hers, getting as close to the one John was in as possible. She looked up, thankful to see Fusco's car coming up the snowy road. She hurried back to the one John was huddled in and opened the driver side door, crouched down near him again. "JOHN, LISTEN TO ME, IT'S ME, JOSS." She said loudly and firmly, trying to draw him out of his hallucination.

"Joss?"

"Yes, John." She touched his cold face. "I need your help me get you in my car, so I can get you to a hospital," she said and he turned to look at her.

"Joss, you were just here, we were talking about Jessica." He pointed to the passenger seat.

"John, listen to me, listen to my voice. I'm right here," she crooned. "You're safe, I got you." He looked at her before looking at the passenger seat, then back at her. He blinked a few times as if he was struggling to figure out what was real and what wasn't. "I need your help to get you to my car." He shook his head. "John, I'm not letting you die, that isn't going to happen." she vowed as she grabbed his left arm to pull it over her shoulders.

"Get Chase," he whispered.

"Chase, Chase is here?"

"Cabin," he mumbled. "Psycho half-brother forced him to eat pills, shot me." He was growing quieter and quieter, it was harder to hear him.

Joss sighed with relief when the cavalry came as Fusco and Silva were running towards her. "Fusco, go get Chase, he's in the cabin! We'll call it in later, once we have John and Chase at the hospital!"

Fusco ran through the snow, pausing for a brief second. "The big guy doesn't look so good."

"Go!" Joss commanded and it spurned Fusco on, realizing how dire the situation it was. Silva rushed to the car where John was, climbing into the passenger seat, taking stock of his wound just as Joss had done. Silva applied pressure to the exit wound. The bullet traveled downward, she just prayed it didn't hit any main organ.

"Christ, Riley," she growled as she pressed down harder.

"Help Fusco get Chase," Joss commanded.

Silva looked up and glared at her. "He's my partner and he saved my ass a handful of times, so you can go help Fusco get Chase. Or you can help me because I'm helping John." There was no time arguing, John needed warmth of a vehicle and a hospital. Besides that she didn't know if she could lift John's dead weight herself anyway.

"John, we need your help to get up," Joss murmured, touching his face. Silva noted it but didn't say a word. He weakly nodded. It took a good five minutes to even lift him from the seat. She could see John was trying but it was a feeble attempt at best. He lost a lot of blood and his blood circulation was bad from the cold. By the time Silva and she managed to get John in the backseat of her car, Fusco was already rushing out of the cabin with Chase in a fireman's carry.

"Kid isn't looking so good," he commented, huffing and puffing, sounding out of breath as he tried rushing to his car. Silva ran to open the door for him, before slamming it shut as Fusco ran around to the driver's side.

Joss threw Silva her keys the moment she turned around. "Drive my car, I'm sitting with John," she commanded as she slid into the backseat with John. Silva didn't question it as she climbed in and turned the heat up on full blast, before backing up as Fusco did. Joss worked to tug her coat and blazer off placing it on top of John. She reached under them and held a hand over his exit wound at his side. His blood was quickly soaking her hand. His head was slumped to the side. "Stay awake, John, no resting!" she barked loudly to jolt him as she watched his eyes try to roll back in his head.

"You weren't really there with me were you?" he whispered as he began shaking uncontrollably. It was a good sign. His teeth began chattering as the heat from her car was working its magic. It would keep him alive until they could get him to the hospital where they could get him under some warming blankets, and get his wound checked out.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to keep him talking so he didn't lose consciousness. Silva was speeding, turning on her lights as Fusco did, trying to get Chase and John to the hospital.

"You were in the car with me, telling me how to survive, Joss. We talked about things," he whispered and it was somewhat hard to tell what he was saying because his teeth were chattering so hard, his body shivered violently.

"No, I wasn't really there, John," she said before cuddling closer to him. "But I'm here now." After nearly a half hour of driving much too quickly for the conditions, they finally arrived at the hospital.

* * *

AN: So I had to kind of leave Terra Incognita the way it was because it was way too hard to separate hallucination Joss and alive Joss. But there will be a little bit more about Terra Incognita on John's side in the next chapter. I kind of split it up ;D

Thanks for reading XOXOXOXOXOXOX


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: Our fucking ship captain, I love Jim. He'll never let Careese go just like we won't. I swear the more he talks about how John fell in love with Joss, the more I want him to keep saying it. Keep it up baby! Seriously Jim is making 'Dark Paradise' by Lana Del Rey, the Careese song for me because the lyrics and his words about how John feels about his Jossy are slaying me. I have been repeating the song over and over again ;D**_

 _Loving you forever, can't be wrong_  
 _Even though you're not here, won't move on_  
 _Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh_  
 _That's how we played it_

 _And there's no remedy_  
 _For memory_  
 _Your face is like a melody,_  
 _It won't leave my head_  
 _Your soul is haunting me_  
 _And telling me_  
 _That everything is fine_  
 _But I wish I was dead_  
 _(dead like you)_

 _ **-Lana Del Rey**_

 _ **So thanks to Jim and his amazingness I am posting this chapter, since Joss SHOULD be alive and with him, not anyone else. XOXOXOXOX**_

 _ **And one thing, the part in italics is dream/flashback sequence.**_

* * *

Everything was quiet, you could hear a pin drop in John's apartment as she picked up in his living room, gathered his dishes and soaking them so she could wash them since his apartment didn't have a dishwasher. It was two days after John's journey up to the Catskills and his near death from hypothermia, and in those two days she had spent them at his apartment taking care of him. It wasn't a chore because she loved the man; he needed some caring for as he wouldn't take care of himself, and wanted to wring his neck for scaring the hell out of her. But that could come after he was better.

He had spent twelve hours in the hospital, bitching and groaning the entire time, once his teeth stopped chattering enough for someone to understand him about wanting to leave. She had been grateful when one nurse had injected him with a painkiller that had walloped John as he fell asleep against his will. Fusco and Silva during that time had gone back to the cabin with uniformed officers to help work the crime scene, with Detective Kane and some newbie Detective that were assigned to the case. Chase had his stomach pumped and informed them what had happened after a little while of resting himself. Chase and John both were extremely lucky, but John more so because the bullet didn't do any permanent damage. It literally missed everything. It entered in the fleshy area near his shoulder, traveled southward and exited from his side. John was very lucky. And being he was in Chase's car away from the elements, he thankfully didn't sustain any frostbite.

After the twelfth hour John threatened to leave of his own volition against doctors and nurses recommendations. He had been surly and grumpy, clearly tired and in pain, but Superman wanted to go home and lick his wounds alone. Fusco's nickname of 'wonder-boy' always made her chuckle but John seemed to think being wonder-boy meant he was indestructible and could take care of any threat. Except ones that are hiding in the dark behind his back, shooting him like the god damn coward he was. The captain had been upset Riley was injured and then wondering why a detective in the Gang Unit was working a homicide case, which promptly had Silva covering for him. Silva would most likely want a truthful answer from John in the days to come, however whatever Silva told the captain, she bought it because the captain told her to tell John to feel better and left.

Joss was a little annoyed at how Captain Moreno knew about her feelings for John, because she hinted that an inter-office romance between them wasn't frowned upon only partnered detectives were. That maybe a good woman like her would settle Riley down instead of him doing everything half-cocked all the time. She had been a little stunned at how transparent she was, but then again it could be because she refused to leave John's side, took personal leave for a few days, and offered to take him home.

John had fallen asleep during the ride home from the medication he was given, so she stopped by her place, leaving Sleeping Beauty in her running and heated car, so she could pack a suitcase of some clothes and toiletries, then explained to her son where she'd be for a couple days, knowing Taylor was going to be with his dad's this weekend anyway. Taylor agreed to go stay over a friend's house before heading to his dad's on Friday, he wished Mr. Badass to feel better, and she was off taking him home. Since bringing him home John had been sleeping for the majority of the time, only awaking to go use the restroom, take medicine begrudgingly, and be forced to drink a little water and eat some chicken broth.

Joss was dressed in a long sleeved red shirt with black leggings and heavy wool socks for her cool feet. She flicked some of her hair behind her ear as she walked through John's small apartment and opened his bedroom door. She found him in his queen-sized bed, asleep still. She entered his decent sized only bedroom and removed his masculine comforter and a couple blankets. His short salt n' pepper hair fell over his forehead, his jaws roughened with stubble. He was wearing just a New York Knicks t-shirt that she scrounged around his dresser to find and black pajama pants. She pushed the soft blue cotton shirt up, eyeing the bandage, glad to see no crimson stain on it. Once satisfied he was alright, she rearranged the blankets and comforter back on him, letting him sleep. He was exhausted from being shot and nearly freezing to death. She trailed her fingers across his cheek.

"I love you, but we are going to have a come-to-Jesus meeting once you are better," she promised before bending over and kissed his cheek softly, lingering before she stepped back. She turned and exited his room, closing the door but leaving it ajar so she could hear him if he needed her.

Joss walked over to his kitchen to do his dishes that had been soaking. She angrily pulled her sleeves up to her elbows before scrubbing, taking out her frustrations and anger on the unfortunate plate when her cell rang and saw it was Finch. She answered it before putting it between her ear and shoulder. "Hey, what's up?" she said with inflated cheerfulness that she wasn't feeling whatsoever, she was lost in thoughts of what almost happened.

"How is Mr. Reese feeling?"

"He's getting more color back, he's eating more soup and I added crackers to give him more substance. He was cranky when he realized it was soup again." She said with a smile that faded as fast as it graced her face. "But the good sign was that this afternoon he ate three bowls of it and had about ten crackers, the man is famished but I'm listening to doctor's orders unlike he would. Dr. Hanes said to start him off slowly but by Sunday he should be able to have a decent meal, so good news for him that I'm thinking of letting him have a real meal tomorrow night and not a moment sooner," she said, she was thinking pizza. Yes it was greasy but she thought he deserved it afterthree and a half days of chicken broth, crackers, eggs, Jell-O, and toast.

"I'm glad that Mr. Reese has someone there that won't let him push them around," Finch said with a smile sounding in his voice.

She smirked as she continued doing the dishes, picking up a glass. "He tries but I ignore him, he's so weak he can barely get out of bed. He couldn't stop a fly at this point. All you men hate being sick and act like babies until you're better. John's no different, I have a son and was once married so I'm used to the complaining and whining. But I think the months before this have caught up with him, he's still sleeping."

"Well, Jocelyn he was shot and nearly froze to death."

"It's more than that, Finch, because he's mentally and physically exhausted, because he never lets anyone help him!"she snapped angrily.

Scrub, scrub, scrub,

"Always has to save me, you, Shaw, strangers on the damn street, everyone except for himself."

Scrub, scrub, scrub,

"Has the nerve to tell me that I'm not alone and then pushes me away," she said bitterly in frustration.

Scrub, scrub…she put the glass down as she realized she was scrubbing it so hard that she might break it.

Finch was silent for a minute. "If you would like Jocelyn, I could come and sit in with him so you can go home if you want," he offered quietly.

She smiled. "It is okay, Finch. Taylor already knows where I am and he is hanging out with his dad this weekend anyway. They were going to go to the Rangers game together and do father/son stuff. But do you need any help with numbers or anything?" she asked gently as she grabbed another cup to clean, this time not trying to scrub it till it disappeared.

"No, but thanks, detective, things seem eerily quiet."

She nodded, hating that because that tended to happen before the storm came. "Call me if you need anything. But if you want to talk to him, try calling or coming over in a little bit, maybe he'll be awake," she suggested.

"I'll come by tomorrow sometime, Jocelyn. I think Mr. Reese is with who he needs to be with right now," Finch said quietly, letting the implication hang, and she smiled. Who knew that Finch would be a supporter of their relationship?! There was a pause.

"What is it Finch?" she asked sensing there was more to what Finch wanted to say.

"Mr. Reese is a dear friend and he needs you. When you almost died I never seen John look so devastated before, not even when he learned Jessica was dead. He lost himself, lost himself in the grief and anger. When he tried to kill Alonzo Quinn I asked him to let me help him and he told me no. Mr. Reese wanted to die," Finch said and she dropped the glass into the soapy water in horrified shock. She toweled off her hands that were shaking. They said that John had gone after Quinn to find Simmons, ignoring his injuries, but no one told her this. That he refused their help to save himself.

"You never said he refused help, you never said he refused to save himself," she said quietly to hide the tremble in her voice as she blinked rapidly. She willed the anguish of John almost not being here because he lost himself in his grief over what happened to her to fade, so she wouldn't cry.

"I didn't want to upset you, Jocelyn, but I thought you should know. And I'm asking as his friend to please not give up on him. Please give him another chance to let you in, I believe John is in love with you even if he doesn't know it himself."

She wiped at face, wiping the tears away. "You don't have to worry about that, I have no intention of walking away from him, and once he's awake enough to hear me yell at him he'll know it too."

It sounded like Finch chuckled and he didn't comment on her watery voice. "I'll be seeing you, detective." And with that he hung up. She put her cell phone down on the countertop, took a deep ragged breath, and went back to doing the dishes, lost in intense thoughts about John. 

* * *

" _I've missed you," he whispered as he eyed Joss, searching her gorgeous face. His eyes dipped down and felt hollowness as he eyed the bullet wound to her chest. Simmons took her from him._

 _Joss smiled. "That's good, being missed means you meant something when you were here," she said, growing quiet before looking at him. "But you may as well let me in John, there's no use keeping things from me where you're going."_

" _Joss…."_

" _Tell me why you're alone; you're using Jessica against me to remain that way. Talk to me, you know you want to," Joss said with a smile. "We belong together."_

" _You're dead," he whimpered as anguish knifed through him, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I lost you to Simmons, he took you from me." He shuddered._

" _John," she whispered softly and he looked at her. "But I'm not dead."_

 _He eyed her as her vision before him blurred as more tears filled his eyes. He eyed her chest but the blood that had been there was gone. He panicked. "No, you were shot and killed."_

" _No, I survived that. Simmons didn't take me from you."_

" _No, I held you and you died in my arms," he said frantically._

" _Yes, you held me and I stopped breathing, but the paramedics brought me back. I was in a coma for weeks, and you visited me every day in the hospital once you realized I was going to pull through."_

" _No," he whimpered. "I don't remember that. I only remember you dying and you even said you did." He fought desperately, trying to figure out what was real. He couldn't remember anymore._

" _What do you expect, I'm your conscious, John, you conjured me this way because this is what you are focusing on. My death, but not at the hands of Simmons but at your hand, you're scared that if we get together Samaritan will kill me because you love me. You keep thinking of the what-ifs, keep trying to think up ways of why you can't let me in and why we don't belong together. But I can love you, be there for you, if you just let me. You're not alone, John, you never were, let me in because you're not only hurting yourself if you don't, you're hurting me too."_

 _He remained silent as the tears welled up in his eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, Joss."_

 _She smiled. "Then let me in."_

 _He remained that way for a little bit. "First tour, we were outside of Herat making our way through the mountains at night, when we heard shooting. A group of Rangers stumbled into the Taliban in the dark. By the time we got there they were all dead, both sides. It's one of those things. We had to be over the mountains by sunrise so we searched them and took their tags, their water, their ammunition and kept moving. And I noticed something. They all had a picture of a girlfriend, a wife, a kid and after a while I realized that everybody I found on the other side had a picture." He said quietly._

" _They were fighting for something."_

" _They were dying for something. I figured if I didn't have a picture, I'd be better at my job," he slurred heavily. He thought he heard something, something sounding like it was shouting at him. "So when I came back, I ended things with Jessica."_

 _And suddenly the sound that was shouting at him got louder, trying to draw him out. "John, rise and shine, come on open your pretty little blue eyes for me." He smiled, willing to do anything for his beautiful, warm, and alive Joss Carter._

John slowly awakened, feeling better than he had. He opened his eyes and yawned. "Good morning sunshine," Joss said cheerily and he groaned when she yanked open the curtains.

"Turn off the sun," he complained, pulling the blankets over his head.

He thought he heard her chuckle before she tugged his blankets down, he blinked a few times before his eyes finally adjusted. "How are you feeling, John?" she asked softly as she sat down beside his hip, before pushing his t-shirt up to eyeball his bandage. She fixed his shirt and put her hands in her lap.

"I feel better," he admitted. "Still a little weak and tired though."

"Well, nearly bleeding out and then freezing to death will make even the strongest and most stubborn mule to feel weakness. And being tired is because of how exhausted you were before your ordeal up at the cabin and it finally caught up with you."

"What day is it?" he asked.

"Sunday morning," she supplied.

"Sunday?—that can't be." He had gone to look for Chase on Wednesday afternoon. There was no way it was Sunday already.

"Well Silva, Fusco, and I rescued you late Wednesday evening and you stayed in the hospital until Thursday morning. I brought you to your place and you have been out of it, sleeping off and on since. Captain Moreno gave you until this coming Wednesday off to recuperate, and I'm off till tomorrow to take care of you since you had to be pigheaded and leave the hospital before you were ready. The doctor wanted to keep you."

He made a face. "All it would have made was everyone miserable; the doctor, the nurses, and myself included." he stated. "How's Chase?"

"Alive, told us about his half-brother; Gil, who he was, and how angry he was about being rejected by his sperm donor of a father, and how he snapped, killing Chase's entire family. Chase explained what happened in the cabin, that Gil shot you in the back, forced him to eat pills before dragging you outside in the blizzard to bury you alive. He's grateful the nightmare is over and he can finally heal over what happened to his parents and siblings."

"How about the half-brother psycho?"

"Dead, you killed him. Silva found a shovel at the scene, matching what Chase said Gil was going to do, the bullet trajectory inside him is consistent with the blood smeared in the snow where he dragged you too. I.A. along with Detectives Kane and Rademacher, who were assigned to look into the shooting, ruled it in your favor and that you did what you had to. Although Captain Moreno told Silva and Fusco, and Fusco told me, that she is mandating four sessions with Iris to talk about the shooting, in particular because you had to kill him. Also you're back on desk duty too until those mandatory sessions are over and Iris says you are cleared from suffering any psychological effects from killing a man."

"Joy, more of Silva's paperwork, and carpal tunnel," he deadpanned.

He looked at her when she didn't say anything, didn't even crack a smile, and he saw her watching him. She looked as beautiful without makeup as when she had it on. Joss was staying over at his place as she was wearing a comfortable gray t-shirt that had the number 55 on it. It reached her midriff and she had dark pink fleece pajama pants on that had little white Xs and Os on them. She had gray baggy socks on her small feet, and her hair was pulled back into a ponytail with a pink bandana wrapped around her hair. He shifted when his tired and aching body reacted to the sight of a comfortable but gorgeous looking Joss Carter.

He forced such thoughts away as he reached out taking her hand in his, seeing hurt lining her face. "You okay?" he asked.

Joss tried to stop the tears from welling up but couldn't. "How could you, John, how dare you tell me to ask for help when you don't?!" she demanded.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he said as he reached up, catching her tear that slipped free with his large thumb.

She leaned into his touch. "Thanks to that psychopath who got off one stupid lucky shot, I almost lost you to the cold, you were close to freezing to death." Joss stared at him, there was no anger in her voice or on her face. Joss was just looking at him with gritty determination. "Talk to me, tell me why you worked the Chase Patterson case alone. My case I might add."

"I didn't want to bother you,"

She made a sound as she sat back breaking the contact and he looked at her as he dropped his hand down in his lap, now there was anger on her face. "Wrong answer, John. Try again and this time the truth."

He looked her in the eyes and saw the pleading look. Her eyes were begging him to give an inch and it would be so easy to shut her out, close himself off. But hallucination Joss, his subconscious created her as he froze to death, had opened his eyes, unlike anyone else could because hallucination Joss had died at the hands of Simmons. It was all his constant agonizing 'what-if' thoughts materializing her as deceased to help him survive as his mind always flashed to that searing moment of when he almost lost her, resisting his feelings for her because he couldn't allow Joss to die because of him, he couldn't lose her. But hallucination Joss made him realize that he was wasting time, that the very real, alive, and warm Joss Carter wasn't going anywhere and that if he didn't let her in he'd regret it.

"Before we received Chase's number I had a session with Iris," he said quietly.

"And, what happened?"

"We talked about Jessica and her death, how I lost myself and wanted to die, until I met you," he whispered roughly, never breaking eye contact.

"Yeah, you told me before that I changed your mind, changed you," she agreed quietly as she linked their fingers together. Was he finally going to open up to her?

John nodded. "Iris and I talked about how I felt when I thought I lost you. And remembering you nearly dying in my arms brought up bad memories," he admitted.

"Like the fact that you rather had died and got your vengeance than let Finch help you?" Joss asked mildly. He looked at her in surprise. "Yeah, Finch told me."

"I didn't want to live without you and everyone I ever loved died, so I automatically counted you out," he said and she felt her breath stop. Did he just admit that he loved her? "I lost myself while you were in a coma."

"I'm here, John," she said simply. "I'm alive, had the bullet been up just a half of inch or the ambulance even seconds later we would have a different story, but you know me, I fight with everyone including the Grim Reaper," she said trying to joke, falling flat as he stared at her, and she reached out cupping his cheek. "But none of this explains why you worked the Chase Patterson case alone."

"I felt like I was suffocating, Joss. I wanted to bury the pain that the session brought me."

"You never grieved over what happened to Jessica or to me, have you John?" She didn't say a word as tears welled up in his eyes, knowing he had never come to terms with her shooting, of her nearly dying in his arms. It was why when they made love that night and he thoroughly kissed the scar, she had nearly cried when she realized he was sobbing against her. She was sure he had been embarrassed because he had immediately slid between her legs and pleasured her, but she never forgot. She just didn't know how to bring it up. But now she didn't have to figure it out, because he brought it up by himself.

"I never knew how." He said before looking down. "I never could figure out how to grieve, I didn't when my dad died. I pushed the pain aside to be strong for my mother and just stopped talking or thinking about him, so I wouldn't feel anything."

She wanted to hold him. The little eleven year old boy didn't know who to turn too to deal with his grief over losing his dad. And that manifested into a lifelong battle with dealing with his grief or lack of dealing with it. He never learned how to grieve properly since he was little and so he shut down. It was his fail-safe, his defense mechanism against feelings he didn't know how to deal with.

"Well, you have me to talk to now, and I'll help you," she said gently and he looked up at her.

"Then when I found out Jessica was dead, she had been gone for months already, and I didn't know how to process it. I was just angry at Peter, myself, at her for dying, and at the world. So I drank, wanting to drink myself to death, was going to find a more permanent solution until you came along. Then when you were shot, nearly dying, you survived and I…didn't know what to do with the grief over what happened. So I smothered it and pretended it didn't exist."

"Oh John…"

"But Iris dredged it all back up, so when I learned we had a number I wanted to work it alone and be numb. Because Iris was making me believe that I didn't need to be alone and it scared me. My old habits die hard."

"What habits John?"

"Shutting people out, afraid to let someone in and get close. Privacy and being alone became a habit, a habit forged out of fear, and that I used on you," he said quietly.

"Fear of what?"

"Letting you in, Joss, only to lose you."

Joss looked at him. She leaned forward, brushing her lips against his in a tender kiss, trying to quiet the storm of emotions swirling in John. She leaned back, barely with their lips inches away, her dark eyes on his light ones. "You trust me, John?"

"Of course I do."

"Then trust me enough to let me in," she said. John leaned forward kissing her again and she sighed happily. The kiss wasn't urgent, rather deep and loving. She was very careful to not lie on top of him since he was still recuperating from his gunshot. Joss sighed as his mouth moved on hers, devoted and so warm, she slipped her tongue between his lips, sliding it across his, earning a little shiver from him.

She broke the kiss to climb under the covers beside him and snuggled up against his warm and strong body. He settled in, curving his good arm around her, and slowly began talking. 

* * *

Joss opened John's door when there was a knock, knowing she should have changed from her pajamas but didn't. She smiled at the pizza delivery man. "A large pepperoni, mushroom, ham, and onion pizza with cheesy bread and chicken wings and a two liter of Pepsi," he said.

"That's me." Joss took the food and beverage.

"That would be $25.58 please." He requested.

She handed him two twenties. "Keep the change."

"Thanks ma'am," she said with a smile before turning and locking up the door once more.

She carried the food she ordered for her and John. He was starving, grumpy, and she was starving and ecstatic. They spent a good four hours snuggled up in his bed, talking about things. She asked him to be open with her, no more hiding, and she actually got a promise out of him that he'd try. After they talked, John's weakness, healing injury, and medication got the better of him as he took a reluctant nap.

She entered his bedroom, seeing him still asleep. She grinned as she plopped the food on the bed before turning to go pour them some soda in glasses, glad that the Pepsi was cold because John didn't have any ice. Joss grabbed the two glasses and strode back into his bedroom putting one down beside him on the nightstand before carrying the other one for her placing it on the nightstand on the opposite nightstand. She climbed onto the bed.

"John," she whispered as she leaned over him.

"Hmm?"

"It's dinner, John."

"Is it more chicken broth and crackers?" he grumbled sleepily, with his eyes still closed. She smiled as she stroked his face, basking in this new ability to touch him whenever, however, and wherever she wanted.

"No, it's something far more filling," she reassured him and giggled when he sniffed the air.

"Real food?" he lifted his head from the pillow.

"Pizza and Pepsi, which is far better than chicken broth and water, am I right?" she said with a coy smile.

He looked up in her eyes and she stole a kiss before she sat back letting him sit up. "In bed too, you're spoiling me," he murmured as they flipped the lid open.

"Just don't overdo it, John," she said as he eyed the smorgasbord of food on the bed. She eyed the hungry look on his face. He immediately grabbed a piece of pizza and bit down, closing his eyes, clearly in ecstasy.

"Mmm, food."

She shook her head as she grabbed a piece herself and took a much smaller bite of hers. They lounged against his pillows, snuggled together as they ate quietly. She arched a brow as he wolfed the first piece down in like four bites. "Are we a tad hungry?"

"You starved me."

She giggled. "Talk to Dr. Hanes, those were his orders. He said today was the first day for a heavier meal and I figured pizza would be good since you have like zero groceries in here," she said before handing him some cheesy bread as he went for another piece of pizza. She needed him to go slower or he'll get himself ill.

They were quiet for a little while eating as she slowly finished a wing. "John?"

"Hmmm?" as he ate one himself.

"We talked about Jessica, about why you broke up with her. We talked about our connection, about what happened to me when we took down HR, and how you felt as I laid in your arms," she said slowly and he nodded. "We talked about the past, about your issues of opening up, and grieving. But we never talked about our future, John. Where do we go from here?"

He threw the finished wing into the container and looked at her. "I'm not sure, Joss. I've spent years believing that I had no future and that each new day might bring my end. It's going to take time to get used to the idea of thinking of having a future."

It wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear but at least it was the truth. "Okay, I won't push and I know you're going to have your good and bad days, where some you'll be open and others you'll try to lock me out tight, but know that I'll be here always through thick and thin. That your future isn't going to be a lonely one and neither is mine."

He eyed her. "You sure you want to spend your life with me? There are better guys out there for you, ones that won't piss you off. Ones that don't come with my…." he paused for a second, "baggage," he settled on.

"Well when you piss me off, you can make it up to me with apologizing and making love to me," she assured him as she leaned over to kiss him. "But I don't want anyone but you and I've never been as sure about anything as I am about us, John," she said, stopping herself from telling him she loved him. John wasn't ready to hear it just yet. He was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she wanted a life with him. Telling him she loved him right now was a little too soon for him.

He seemed content with her answer, he smiled a little before reaching for a piece of pizza and they went back to eating quietly, happy to be in each other's presence. 

* * *

AN: There's a few more chapters to this, I just keep adding to it lol. Hope you guys are in for it. Thanks for reading XOXOXOXOXOXOX


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN: This takes place before the final two episodes but mainly AU as it doesn't follow what happened on the show since in mine Silva and John are partnered :D But I wanted to give Silva a voice in this since she's been a tad frosty with Joss and wanted to give an minor explanation as to why she's the way she is and why the two ladies have been butting heads a wee-bit.**_

* * *

John slowly exited his car, mindful of his healing wound or Joss would kick his ass if he had to call her because he was bleeding on the sidewalk. He had slipped out of his apartment hoping that Joss and Finch would not find out he had gone out earlier than stipulated. Joss went back to work this morning and would be back to staying at her own place much to his disappointment. He had been getting used to sharing his place with her, her telling him what to do, waking up with her in his arms, and seeing her in her pajamas. He felt like they were like his parents before his dad died, in love, happy, and comfortable to be together for their lifetime. It felt domestic, normal, and he enjoyed it while it lasted. However the real world factored in and she did have a teenage son, so he couldn't steal Joss for long. But with his newfound freedom and boredom without his friends around to lobby him to stay indoors and recuperate til he was back to work, he fled.

So he called up Silva and she readily agreed to meet him for coffee during her lunch break so they could have a long overdue conversation. He honestly didn't know what to tell her about why he went up to the Catskills alone but he had to tell her something that would make the young detective happy. He entered Frisco's that they always stopped at to get coffee. He found her sitting, waiting for him with her back to him in the corner table. She turned as he approached her.

"I'm losing my touch if you can easily hear me sneak up on you," he murmured as he carefully slid into the seat across from her.

Silva smirked. "Actually I smelled you, your cologne gives you away."

"Is that your subtle way of telling me I'm wearing too much cologne, Silva?"

She shook her head. "No, you always smell good, Riley." He cocked a brow as a waitress walked over with his black coffee.

He eyed her as the waitress peeled out of there. "You're ordering my coffee now too, when did we get married?" he teased and, as he wanted, Silva chuckled softly at his comment. He wanted to lighten up the young detective, she looked fierce as she wracked him an once-over as he sat across from her.

"I think Carter would have something to say about that, besides you'd make the worst husband ever. You're bossy," she complained.

"And you don't listen." he jabbed right back as they so often did.

Her smile widened. "I'm a detective, so I noticed that you always order yours black. Just as I notice you stash candy in your second drawer on the right, which, by the way, I have sneaked some out of it," she admitted.

"You're the candy bandit, I should have known. You took my last Three Musketeers."

Silva laughed. "I did and it was real good." They slowly fell into silence and John watched as the lightness in her slid away. They didn't always have an easy relationship, she was a difficult woman to get to know and work with. But things changed for them when her number came up when she went undercover in the academy and he posed as an instructor. He was glad for the change. He saw what a good cop she was, she reminded him so much of Joss.

"You okay, Silva?" he asked gently.

"I'm fine I should be asking you since you were the guy that was shot and nearly became a human Popsicle," she said slowly.

He smiled. "Well, thanks to you, Fusco, and Carter that didn't happen."

She shrugged. "You saved me a handful of times, plus now I have it over you when you pull rank on me."

"So why do I have a feeling that you are taking what happened hard?" he wondered, not fooled at her lame attempt at humor.

Silva looked at him before leaning forward. "When we were first partnered, Captain Moreno wanted me to keep an eye on you and report to her if I saw you doing anything unlawful or dirty."

He smiled. "I know, I'm a detective, I notice." He repeated his words to her. He knew what she was doing, she was subtle but she didn't know he was trained by Langley. Her pointed questions were a little too on point.

"I didn't think of you as my partner, not until the first time when you saved my ass with the Captain on the Strickland case. You took the heat from her when I got too close and fucked up," she said candidly.

He shrugged. "You were a new detective you were bound to make mistakes. And why have both of us on the Captain's hit-list?"

"But that's the thing, John you were always there for me. You always treated me with upmost respect and I didn't reciprocate."

John shook his head. "Silva, aren't you being a little hard on yourself?"

She shook her head. "No, because I knew there was something going on with you that day when you were shot by that psycho. Riley, you aren't just my partner you're also my friend," Silva said. She left off the fact that he was her only friend and not just on the force but in her life. She came from the wrong side of the tracks where you were either locked-up or knocked-up. She had been the former until a judge saw good in her and Howard took her under his wing. Howard recruited her into the academy, taught her everything she knew, and was her friend until he was killed during the undercover op with her and Riley. She was going to get the Brotherhood for killing her friend and mentor if it was the last thing she did. But losing Howard left only Riley and then she almost lost him too.

He eyed her, unsure of where she was going with this. "And you're mine." He agreed. John remembered a time when he had no one, now he had four friends, hell even Root was a friend of sorts. And then there was Joss, ahh Joss, who meant more to him than anyone ever in his life.

"I should have forced the issue with you," she said keeping his thoughts from flittering away into the gutter about his lovely detective and he eyed Silva incredulously. She couldn't be serious? She was blaming herself for his leaving to go to the Catskills alone and he ended up shot? "I shouldn't have gone on that lead, it led nowhere anyway, and then maybe you wouldn't have been able to give me the slip to head up to the Catskills alone."

"Silva…"

"No, John, you always have my back and I didn't have yours and you nearly died because of it," she couldn't lose John, she just couldn't.

He reached out and touched her hand. "Silva, what happened up at that cabin is not your fault. You weren't going to be able to stop me from going up there by myself any more than anyone else could have. I wanted to be alone and there was nothing you could have said to change my mind."

"What about Carter? I bet you would have listened to her."

John tilted his head to the side and eyed her questioningly. "Why don't you like Carter? I noticed some friction between you two for a while now and I know it's not all one sided."

Silva shook her head. "It is nothing personal, I just don't like or trust anyone," she said simply. "Except you," she tacked on at the end before sipping her coffee.

He sighed. Now he understood why they didn't like one another, they were too alike. "You know, Silva, you remind me of Carter with that attitude. You both have to do everything on your own. You could have another friend in Carter and Fusco if you'd give them a chance," he suggested and she remained silent. "I know you don't trust them because you haven't given them a chance yet to prove to you that they're trustworthy, but it's why they don't like you either, because you haven't proven anything to them. But I trust all three of you with my life," he said before taking a slow sip of his coffee. He hid his smile with his cup contemplating on how far he, Lionel, and Joss have come from when they first met one another.

Silva's dark eyes watched his face. "Okay," she said quietly. "I'll trust them."

He eyed her with a brow cocked. "That's it?"

"Yeah, if you feel like they are trustworthy, I trust you so, I'll try to trust them too."

"Huh, I should have said this to you months ago then," he muttered and she smiled a little. "I'll talk to Carter and Fusco."

Silva shook her head. "No, I'll talk to them myself because I rather something else from you, John." He eyed her questioningly. "Can you level with me, because I trust you explicitly but you don't trust me in the same way?"

"Yes I do, Silva."

"Then tell me who the hell you really are because I don't believe for one second that you're just a cop. Since you sure the hell don't fight or shoot like any ole' NYPD detective. The tactics you taught while undercover at the academy were military, not to mention you fight like you were trained for Black Ops and you shoot the same. I looked into you and there is nothing in your file that says about anything military. Then there is the fact that you work these cases of people who aren't even in trouble yet but find themselves in it. And it seems like you just know what's going to happen before it does."

He stared at her, playing with his mug. "You don't want to know, Silva." he whispered, his careful eyes sweeping the place for cameras. This was not a place for such a discussion.

"Yes I actually do, Riley."

"No you don't, because that person could lead to your life being in danger," he countered softly, eyeing her directly.

"I'm not scared." And there wasn't an ounce of fear on her face.

"I can't, Silva, and it has nothing to do with not trusting you because I do."

"Then why?" she demanded.

"I'm trying to protect you," he said simply. Silva was barely thirty, she was just a kid and she had her whole life in front of her.

"I don't need your protection."

He shook his head as he stood up. Silva's face upturned as he did. He tugged out some money. "From this you do. I'll understand if you request a new partner," he murmured as he tugged out his wallet.

"I have a partner, one I'm going to figure out," she vowed.

He looked around before he leaned over so he could whisper. "Silva, focus on work and forget about me because I won't tell you anything that will risk your life," he whispered before putting the ten on the table, turning to leave when she grabbed his wrist tightly. He looked back at her in surprise.

"It is my life, John."

"And it's my death sentence." He whispered and her eyes widened and he tugged his hand free before he turned and exited the coffee shop.

* * *

Joss rolled her shoulders as she worked on a mountain of Fusco's paperwork. He piled it on her desk for taking primary on cases for them while he said 'she played nursemaid to wonder-boy who had the idiotic idea of playing 'Frosty in the North Pole.' Joss had sighed as Fusco lamented about it and walked off, while she got to work on the paperwork. On more than one occasion she had wanted to call John to see how he was, make sure he was still resting, but stopped herself from doing so. She didn't want him to think she was being an overprotective mother hen, and coddle him.

She jerked her head up when the double doors to the bullpen burst open and Silva entered with a determined expression on her face. Uh-oh, she was heading her way. She really wasn't in the mood for Silva. The young pretty detective paused in front of her desk.

She sighed. "What Silva?"

"Can we talk?"

Joss leaned back and folded her arms across her chest. "Depends."

"On?"

"What it is," Joss said as she looked at her desk pointedly. "I'm kind of busy."

"It's about John," Silva admitted.

Now that got her attention. "What about John?"

"We had a nice little talk just now, one that left me with more questions than answers, and left me a little angrier than I was when I went there."

She snorted. "John has that ability." And then what she said hit her. "Wait, where was this talk at?" she demanded immediately.

Silva smirked. "Frisco's," and Joss cursed. "I'm taking it he wasn't supposed to be out and about."

"No, no he wasn't." she hissed.

Fusco walked by and paused. "Uh-oh, I know that sound, Colombo is making someone's day sunny, ain't he?" both Silva and Joss glared at him. "Hey, I'm just saying, he's the one doing," he said with a widening of his arms.

She shook her head and looked at Silva. "Interrogation Room B," she suggested and the woman nodded. Joss got to her feet and they entered the room, closing the door firmly behind them. "So what happened?"

"Riley called me and asked me to Frisco's for a cup of coffee, I thought it was to explain to me why the hell he was up in the Catskills alone but we never got to that."

"Okay, what _did_ you two talk about?"

"Trust or lack of it, between us, I trust him explicitly but I don't think he trusts me the same way."

"What do you expect when you watched him for the captain looking for him to do something wrong?! John needed someone to have his back and you didn't."

"I do now."

"And I'm supposed to believe you?" Joss demanded. "You could be pretending to have his back while you're still looking for him to do something wrong. John's a good man and doesn't deserve that."

"Look, it is true the captain wanted me to watch him, she didn't fully trust him to play it by the book. But I have had his back for a while now, since I learned he is just unorthodox. John's a good guy, my friend, and my partner and I want to know who the hell he is," Silva said simply.

Joss schooled her reaction. "He's Detective John Riley." She assured as her heart thumped madly. She couldn't let Silva oust John's secret accidentally, not with the kind of enemy John and her friends had.

Silva rolled her eyes. "I know you know who he is and I know you don't trust me, Carter, and to be honest I don't care if you do or don't. I care about him, he's my only friend, and I'm not about to lose him."

Joss eyed her and for the first time since meeting Silva, the attitude was dropped and there was nothing but sincerity in her voice. Silva honestly meant what she said and Joss felt her hostility towards the young woman fade just a bit. Well at least they had one thing in common and that was protecting John.

"That's the first real thing you said to me, Silva."

"That's because I don't trust people and I never gave you a chance, Carter, but Riley trusts you and Fusco which is enough for me."

Joss laughed shortly. "Yeah, well trusting people isn't one of my strong suits either. And maybe our dislike of one another was centered around John as I was protective of him and you were jealous of the trust he has in me." Silva nodded her head and lifted her chin as she held out her hand. "What?" Joss asked as she eyed her hand.

"Let's start over, let bygones be bygones?" Silva suggested.

Joss smirked. "A handshake, a little formal isn't it?"

Silva shrugged. "What you want a hug? I'm not really the hugging type."

She snorted. "Hell no, I don't want a hug! How about we head to a bar after work and have a couple beers, my treat?"

Silva dropped her hand down and a small smile flicked on her face. "I can handle that."

Joss nodded, she could handle it too. She didn't think they'd ever be friends, she didn't make many and it seemed Silva was similar, but if they could get along better it would be easier for John. "Give him time," she muttered after a moment. Lying to Silva wouldn't work, the woman was close to the truth already, and the harder she dug for the truth the worse it would be for John. If maybe she gave the kid something to work with to bide their time, they could figure out what to do with the wild-card in Dani Silva.

Silva eyed her. "What?"

"John, give him time. If he feels like he can tell you, he will, but the answers you're looking for I won't ever tell you. I won't ever break his confidence because that man means everything to me." She didn't really believe it would happen, at least not anytime soon. Not when the bad super computer, Samaritan or other, was trying to take down Harold's creation. John and Harold were reluctant to involve anyone else, her included, because of the impending showdown. But maybe when that fight was over, they could use another asset and if Silva was being truthful and she wanted to help John, then having another ally on the 'team machine' side could be beneficial. But it was up to John and Finch and if they felt it was too dangerous to involve Silva than that was that.

"But that's the thing, Carter I don't think he believes he has time," Silva admitted.

"What do you mean?"

"Whatever is going on with him he says it's dangerous. I told him it's my life and he said it's his death sentence," she said quietly.

Joss stiffened. "He said that?" Silva nodded her head. "God damn it!"

"What?"

"I thought I got through to him, he doesn't have to live to die," Joss growled now really angry.

"So he's always this infuriating?" Silva asked.

"God, yes! The man takes being stubborn to a new level! Wait until he gives you the spiel of 'I'm doing this for your protection' crap," Joss said as they went for the door.

"I already heard it a time or two from him."

"It'll get worse before it gets better. John's hero complex reigns supreme," Joss assured her. "But don't worry, John and I are going to have a little talk later."

"After our beers?" Silva asked as they entered the bullpen.

"Yeah, I'll need the relaxation before I head to his place to ream him a new ass for us both," Joss agreed and Silva grinned.

* * *

He had his head leaning against the back of his couch as he flipped through channel after channel of useless programming when the door to his place was unlocked and opened. "Oh thank god, Joss," he said, grateful when she entered his home. It was about eight-thirty and he was so grateful to see her so he wouldn't die of boredom.

"Hey, you're up and about." She said as she turned and closed the door.

"Yeah but watching bad shows is trying to put me to sleep. I can't wait to get back to working cases and the numbers," he said, hating being sidelined for any amount of time. His eyes ate her up as she tugged her coat and suit blazer off.

"Must be why you went to Frisco's and talked with Silva," Joss said as she made her way over to him and sat down on the sofa chair across from him.

His smile slid away. "Busted, huh?"

She nodded her head. "Yeah, Silva and I had a couple of interesting conversations."

"A couple, do tell."

"One at the precinct and one just recently at Hell's Bar. I'm glad you actually talked to her about the friction between us; at first I wasn't, but now I am. Silva is a pretty cool kid. Did you know she rode a motorcycle?" she asked conversationally.

He smiled. "I did."

"Maybe one day I'll have you teach me," she said softly.

"Maybe."

"So make me a promise, John," she said and he eyed her.

"Excuse me?"

"Promise me, one day in the future you'll teach me how to ride a motorcycle," she repeated.

"Why is it so important? It's just a motorcycle ride, Joss."

"It's important," she assured him.

He stared at her. This wasn't just any conversation. "What is this really about?"

Joss slid from the sofa chair and sat in front of him, between his legs on the coffee table. "Silva told me what you said at Frisco's about your death sentence. I thought we talked about this, John."

He nodded. "We did."

"Then you remember that you promised to think about our future, together, why are you still thinking that you're going to die at the end of this?"

John stared into her eyes. "Because I'm viewing it realistically, Joss. There is no guarantee that when Samaritan and the machine go head to head that my cover won't be blown or that I will even make it out alive."

"No, you're viewing it like your life is disposable," she countered. "It isn't."

"It is."

"Not to me."

"To the mission it is, Joss."

"Oh," she turned running a hand through her hair as tears welled up. "How could I forget about your suicide mission? My bad," her voice cracked.

John sat forward grabbing her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "It's my purpose, Joss."

"Your purpose for life is not to die, John," she fought.

He stroked her soft skin, keeping their eyes locked. "You asked me to let you in, to be truthful and honest with you no matter what, and I promised. So here it goes. Honestly, Joss, I don't believe I'll outlive the showdown with Samaritan because if I have to choose between my life and the lives' of our friends I will choose to give up mine."

Her breath caught as tears immediately slipped free of her stubborn willpower. "So I mean nothing, I don't factor into your thought process at all?" she asked quietly.

"Of course you do, Joss, but you don't need me."

"Yes I do, I love you, John." She snapped angrily, and they both froze. She hadn't meant to say it yet but she couldn't take it back because it was nothing but the truth. John's eyes were wide and open to her. The mask he normally didn't wear for her had slipped on during their little fight, but now it was gone again. She blindsided him with telling him she loved him. He sat back leaning his head on the back of the couch and she rested her hands on his knees. "Aren't you going to say anything, John?"

"Uh…." He started and trailed off. She saw the softness to his face, saw the confusion, and she smiled. He looked like a kid given a complex equation to figure out.

"You haven't heard that said to you in a while have you?" she asked gently.

"No, no I haven't." he admitted quietly. "It's different."

"A good different?" she hedged, not sure where to go from here. She hadn't exactly meant to say it but she had been upset and angry that he automatically assumed she didn't need him in her life. While it was true she didn't need a man to make her life meaningful, she loved John, and WANTED him in her life. She wasn't an idiot, she knew John was in love with her, but he wasn't in the least ready for the L word to say it or hear it. She was supposed to take her time with that, baby steps, and she just hoped she didn't do damage to their budding relationship with a too early declaration.

Joss watched as he tried to work it out. She saw so many emotions flicker across his usual stoic face, with each gone quickly as it came. She softly rubbed his knees and lower thighs. "John?"

"Good?—it feels good even if it shouldn't."

"Why shouldn't it feel good to have someone love you?" she asked softly and he flinched a bit but didn't look exactly upset as she said the L word again.

"Because you'll get hurt and you're the last person I want to hurt, Joss."

"So don't, your only way of hurting me, John, is not letting me be in your life," she said quietly and he looked in her eyes. "I know you weren't ready to hear it and I didn't mean to say it, but I can't take it back because I meant every single sentiment behind it. I love you, John, scars and all. And I know you aren't ready to put voice to the feelings you have for me. I'm okay with that because I'm in no big rush. I already know you love me so the words will come in time, I'm not the type of woman that needs to be reassured or coddled."

He swallowed hard. "You know it, huh." He had a weak smile on his face, like he was scared to realize she already knew the depth of his feelings or that she put voice to his feelings he didn't understand before he did. She wouldn't be surprised if John didn't recognize the feelings he had for her were love, he had spent so long trying to keep from getting too close and falling in love that he probably wouldn't know it even if it slapped him across the face.

She smiled widely as she pushed on, no turning back now. "You aren't a smooth operator, John, you never were and I'll never stop thinking about our future together. One where there are no numbers, no dead bodies, no fights or wars, and certainly no more bloodshed. Just you and me, together, and happy because that's what we deserve and that's all I want. I don't need rings or vows because I simply want you. And I know you want me too."

"I do want you," he mumbled quietly. Joss grinned at the simple admission and she slid her hands up his thighs, as she sat forward getting closer to him.

"John, I want a promise from you," she said. John was still a creature of habit and if he didn't have gentle urging and pressure to keep from falling in old routines, old ruts, and habits he could easily push her back on the outside looking in. Letting her in and being open with her was still new to him, she knew it wasn't going to come easily, and that was okay. She was going to make sure his old bad habits died a horrible and hideous death, replaced with ones that were better.

He looked at her sincerely. "If I can."

"No, not if you can, I want a promise right now."

He furrowed his brows. "I can't promise you anything unless I know what it is. I don't like breaking promises, so I don't make any that I can't keep."

She stared at him steadily. "John, trust me to know that what I'm asking you to promise me is something I know you can keep. Have a leap of faith, John," she prodded.

He stared at her for several moments, searching her gaze. "Alright," he said hesitantly. "If you believe it's something I can keep my word to you."

"Say it," she commanded.

"You have my word, Joss," he said and she leaned forward and she kissed him softly, basking in his trust in her. She leaned back a little and he stroked his fingers against her cheeks. "So are you going to tell me what I just promised to do?" he questioned.

She smiled as she sat back and his hand dropped down, fully resting her hands on his coffee table she was seated on. "You promised me that you will stop thinking your life is expendable because it's not. You made connections to this world whether you meant to or not, John, and whether you believe it or not you make this world a better place and the world can't afford to lose you. And neither can I."

Joss watched his eyes, seeing them mist over, knowing he never believed he belonged or should be living. He was quiet for a while and she let him acquaint himself to what she said.

"Knowing what it is now you still have my word, Joss," he whispered.

She exhaled roughly in excitement as she launched herself forward, grabbing his cheeks firmly as she took his mouth with hers. His lifted to rest his hands on her forearms and she clung to him as she kissed him and he kissed her back with equal intensity. John moaned as she broke the kiss.

"No hanky-panky, doctor's orders," she reminded him and herself too, even though she would love nothing more than to finally end their misery and take him inside her. Joss had been yearning for a repeat of their one night together for a while. She finally had him willing but now he was suffering from a healing bullet wound. She sighed in displeasure but his health was more important, so the burning need that was making her sex throb had to wait.

"That doctor is a quack because I feel fine," he murmured.

She snorted. "John, you were shot and nearly froze to death less than a week ago, it isn't going to happen…unfortunately. And we could have been sleeping together for a while now if someone here didn't have to be so incredibly stubborn and hold us up," she pointed out. "I won't name names, but it's not me."

He laughed, she smiled feeling like she won a million dollars at getting that laugh out of him. John needed to enjoy life and she was going to make sure he did, with her of course.

His blue eyes darkened a bit in desire. "So what are you going to do, Joss, put me to bed?" he asked breathlessly.

"Nope," she leaned forward taking his lips softly with hers once more before standing up. "I'm going home and taking a really cold shower." She said as she moved towards the door to grab her coat.

"Do you have to?"

She turned to eye him coyly. "What, the cold shower?—you'd be surprise how wet I am right now." She winked and he groaned. "Oh, you meant about me leaving, didn't you, I have to go."

"You're lucky I'm too tired to get up to chase you," he muttered as he yawned.

"Well maybe you shouldn't go up to the Catskills, get shot, and nearly freeze to death," she huffed as she zipped her coat up and flicked her hair out from under the collar. She smiled at the sulking look he was shooting her and blew him a kiss. "Talk to you tomorrow, John," she said forcing herself to turn and leave his place before she couldn't. She was happy at how that talk went even with the accidental 'I love you' slippage, and she didn't want to push her luck. If she stayed near him any longer, she'd pounce on him and to hell with his healing gunshot wound.

* * *

AN: I actually had friends like Silva and Carter who didn't get along because of their similar personalities, though that's about where the similarities from my real life situation and the fictional situation changed. Because Silva and Carter acted like adults while my friends did not.

Anyways back to the story the next chapter takes place during 4x22 and I think you guys will enjoy how I plop our lovely detective into it XD


	7. Chapter 7

_**AN: I could not resist posting and this does take place in 4x22, and also I do have some dialogue from the episode in here. I do so love writing Careese working side by side, almost as much as I love writing smut or fluffiness for them because they are one badass team ;D Some things I tweaked in 4x22 to fit my version which I hope you guys don't mind.**_

* * *

Of course John had gotten itchy and gone back to work a day earlier than what the captain allotted him which promptly had all hell breaking loose. Carter and Fusco had a crime scene inside the courthouse with four dead Dominic goons and knew it was Elias. The rivalry between the two had been escalating for months thanks to what happened to Marconi, but now it had came to a boiling point. Joss wanted to kick John and Fusco's ass for leaving her to work the scene while the two slipped away unnoticed to go speak with Elias, knowing Marconi's death hit her hard. While she knew that Elias and Marconi were criminals she did have a soft spot for the right-hand man of Elias. He was a hopeless flirt with her and she had cried when she learned he had been murdered.

She fumed when she learned they had left her and, while her partner and the man she loved were gone to speak to Elias, the two and Elias got kidnapped by Dominic. She had only found out what happened hours later after Fusco finally managed to call her in along with SWAT and Silva to go rescue John, Elias, and Harper from Dominic and their goons. Needless to say she had been scared shitless and then intensely angry seeing how disheveled John appeared once they got him out.

Fusco and a transport officer were escorting Dominic and Elias to Rikers where they would be held before their trial. Joss had volunteered to head back to the precinct with Silva to explain the situation to the captain, knowing if they concocted a decent story that the captain would buy the line of bull. She just had no idea where the hell John disappeared to, he probably went on a low profile to hide so she and Silva couldn't tag-team him to kick his ass for getting kidnapped and tortured. Harper gave her and Silva the gory details of what exactly happened to John, Fusco, and Elias. She was just pouring herself some coffee before she called John to rake him over hot coals for pulling such a stunt, when she saw him making a beeline towards her. He looked hurried and a little upset, his eyes glanced over to Silva's desk finding it empty, before looking even more determined as he quickened his pace.

She opened her mouth to yell at him but he tugged her into a corner. "Joss, you need to leave town for a few days, I'd appreciate if you told Silva to go too."

"I'm not going anywhere." Had he lost his damn mind? She didn't know what brought this on so suddenly but if he thought she was just going to tuck her tail between her legs and skedaddle he must have sustained a concussion she didn't know about.

"It's bad and if things go sideways my identity will be ousted and then you could be in danger," he said, reaching up to touch her cheek and she felt gleeful that he was touching her in front of everyone. Joss saw the captain in her peripheral who was smirking at them. She wasn't about to tell John that Silva said, there was an office pool going of when they were going to get together, and that everyone knew Detective Sunshine had the hots for her.

"Bring it on because I'm not scared, John."

"Joss, please!" She searched his eyes and could hear the urgency in his voice, seeing the concern in his eyes. John was truly scared.

She reached up and brought his hand down, before shaking her head. "No, I'm not running off unless you're coming with me."

"I can't, I have to stay and help Root and Finch fight to save the machine."

"Then no, I'm not leaving because I'm coming to help you."

"You can't."

"The hell I can't. I'll follow you."

"Joss," he growled lowly.

She shrugged not the least bit intimidated. "You can't stop me." She lifted her chin in defiance.

"I have _HER_ in my ear so you won't ever keep up with me." He countered.

She blinked in astonishment. He meant he had this A.I. speaking to him in his ear? "Wait, you can hear your super computer and speak to it?" she asked quietly. John nodded. "Well tell…HER I'm coming to help HER, you, and our friends." She faltered as she used the pronoun John had. It was going to take some getting used to that a super computer had a gender.

"Joss, go home." He balked while the machine seemed to like the idea of having Joss as an additional ally, as her cell phone began to ring.

"No," Joss said simply and he panicked when she turned to walk to her desk where her cell was resting and ringing. He desperately grabbed her arm. She looked at him sternly. "You don't get to tell me what I fight for, John. I'm going to be with you, so either we die or survive, whichever, but we'll be together." She said as her cell phone rang incessantly over and over again.

"Joss…your son…"

"Needs to live in a world where it's safe, if this bad super computer has its way us humans become pawns and will mean nothing to it. I can't let that happen. If something happens to me, my son can be proud to know I fought for a better place for him to live in." She tugged her arm free of his hand, picking up her cell phone and answered it.

" **Can. You. Hear. Me?** " Joss felt started at the choppy computer voice coming over the earwig before a small smile tugged just the corners of her lips up. She was hearing and about to speak to Harold's machine, which was kind of weird and cool at the same time.

Joss looked at John who was clearly unhappy. "Yes," she answered before opening her top desk drawer pulling out an earwig, putting it into her ear, and pocketed it in her blazer coat before tugging on her jacket. John didn't say anything realizing he couldn't stop her as he listened to the instructions as well.

"Packing heat, Carter?" he asked quietly as they exited the precinct.

"I have four guns in my trunk, what about you?"

"We need to make a pit-stop at the underground subway." He murmured as they walked side by side to her car.

She cocked a brow. "Finally I get invited to see the HQ," she teased softly as they hurried to her car. It took about twenty minutes to head to the underground subway, gathering as much ammunition and weapons as they could before leaving. John forced her to put on a ski-mask to protect her identity for fear that Samaritan would have her killed if there were cameras around. She fought with him until he begrudgingly grabbed a ski-mask for himself when she wouldn't let up. The machine had them drive down to Brooklyn which was hell on earth with traffic. They arrived at some out of the way place in residential area of Brooklyn as it started turning dark.

"Why is there a SUV cop car here? Did Root and Finch steal it?" she demanded as she pushed the ski-mask up onto her forehead much like John's was, ready to be put in place at a moment's notice as they climbed out of her car that John had oddly removed the license plate from.

They strode over, seeing Root and Finch who had their backs to them. "Heard you could use some assistance," he commented causing Finch and Root to whirl around.

"Oh thank god you're alright, Mr. Reese."

"Told you Harold that SHE would take care of all of us," Root said smiling and glancing at Joss in shock before flicking a look of worry at John.

Harold eyed her. "Oh no, detective you really shouldn't be here," he said panicked.

Joss smiled as she bumped John's arm for comfort but she kept her gaze level on her peculiar little friend. "John tried to stop me but I'm not letting you guys go it alone. You and John helped me with HR, it's only fair I help you guys with Samaritan. Plus I got this handy little ski-mask John is forcing me to wear, and I'm sure four against an army is better than three. We brought some extra fire power too," she commented, throwing Root extra magazines and two ski-masks one for her and Harold. If they weren't going to take their lives seriously, she would. Root looked concerned but nodded.

"Mr. Harold Admin?" They all turned to look at the delivery man.

Harold ran up the steps as much as possible with his physical limitation. "That's me."

"Sweet! I don't have to take these babies back to the truck," the delivery man said happily as he rolled his shoulders. "Sign," he held out the clipboard which Finch readily took. Joss looked around, feeling antsy, feeling like the other shoe was going to drop because it was too damn quiet. "15 laptops huh, start up?" he asked conversationally.

Root scrunched up her nose. "Trying to avoid a shutdown actually," Root said to the delivery guy, who shrugged, then nodded and turned to leave them with clipboard in hand. He quickly climbed into his truck. "Carter, John, let's get the ice in before it melts." Root said as the UPS delivery man left the scene.

John grabbed three bags in each one of his hands and she managed two. They climbed up the stoop to the building they were requested to be at by the machine. They heard tires squeal. Joss eyed John who stiffened and they immediately tugged their ski-masks down in place as they turned to look. "Get inside now, Harold!" John commanded.

John eyed her and she nodded, both immediately dropping the bags of ice, turning with Root side by side by side as two black SUVs arrived as they aimed their assault rifles. "Samaritan," Root said lowly just as several men and women exited the SUVS and they opened fire on them.

"What's the hold-up Harold?" John called out.

"Surprisingly this place has high tech security," Finch replied, trying to hack the code to get inside.

Joss listened as the machine began giving them the code. "2..4..3…asterisk…7…1." she shouted at the same time as John and Root did over the gunfire.

"Got it!" Finch opened the heavy steel door, bullets ricocheting off the door sending sparks in the air, off the brick, and they managed to get inside without a hole in any one of them.

Joss stood next to Root, pulling the ski-mask up once more. "Cozy," Root commented dryly and Joss eyed her.

"You and I have vastly different definitions of cozy," Joss said and Root smirked before rushing to a long empty table near the machinery carrying a briefcase.

"It's an electric substation hidden in the heart of residential Brooklyn," Finch murmured, eyeing the main level.

Joss watched as John made a beeline for the steel staircase before following him up to the next floor. "Lock it up tight, Finch," John commanded, spurring Finch into action, he didn't need to be told twice as he reclosed the heavy steel door they entered through and rearmed the security code so no one could enter the main front entrance.

Joss peered out the small window. "We got a dozen bogies, probably more on the way," she said quietly.

John nodded. "Finch, we can't hold off an entire army; laptops and ice aren't going to help. We need to find the machine," he said, looking down through the staircase to his friend.

"That may prove impossible, this is one of any number of city substations devoted to the distribution of electricity through the southern half of New York. The machine can't be here because there simply isn't enough room."

Joss eyed him, questioning. "I don't know what the hell is going on but if this machine is not here, then why in the hell are we?" she demanded.

"That's what we have to find out, detective." Finch said before turning and making a beeline to help Root do whatever it was she was doing.

"Can't we just ask HER?" she wondered as she looked at John.

"I don't think it's that simple Joss." John murmured, with eyes on the men outside. Yeah, she didn't think so because Root would have already done that, had it. She just hated not knowing what was going on or how to fix it. "Go help Finch and Root," he said quietly, eyes still watchful on what was happening on the outside.

"No," she said and he looked down into her eyes clearly surprised at her blatant refusal. She wasn't leaving his side. Finch had Root to protect him if Samaritan or Decima operatives somehow managed to get in here. John needed someone to watch his back and that someone was her. They stood together, quietly, watching and analyzing their enemies.

" _John, look out your window, on the power-lines, do you see any boxes?_ " Finch asked over the earwig. Joss kept watch on Samaritan operatives while John did as Finch asked.

"I see one, it's marked with a T, why?"

" _I believe I was mistaken, the machine is here, it's here because it's everywhere,"_ Finch said and Joss felt her brows rise in surprise and her eyes strayed to John who had a similar look. They ran down the stairs and hurried over to Root and Finch.

"What do you mean, Harry?" Root asked.

"Three years ago when it moved itself it didn't go to a data farm, it went into the wires. It uploaded itself directly into the nation's electrical grid," Harold explained.

"Wait, Finch if the machine is everywhere how the hell do we save it, her, whatever?" Joss demanded.

"Let me get this straight, Finch, the machine is using the power grid as a giant brain?" John said and if this wasn't so dire, Joss would have laughed at his layman's terms.

"Essentially, there is a tremendous amount of unused space in copper power-lines, the boxes on the lines allows the machine to use digital signals to travel in that space," Harold explained.

"A highly complex computational system hiding in plain sight," Root murmured in awe.

"And now that system is being flooding with energy driving the machine across the country to this last corner of the grid around New York," Finch continued.

"Samaritan is trying to flatline the machine?" Joss stated more than asked and looked at them in concern.

They all turned around as a male's voice echoed over a megaphone. " _Attention we'd tell you that you are surrounded but your machine has probably filled you in on that. Evacuate the building and you'll live, if you are still inside when we come through that door that option will no longer be a possibility. You decide._ "

They turned to look at one another. "What's the plan?" John demanded.

"We save the machine by downloading HER straight off the power-lines and storing HER into the RAM memory chips in the briefcase," Root said as if it was easy as baking an apple pie.

"The machine is going to fit in that briefcase?" Joss eyed Root as if she'd lost her mind. She might not know all this techno crap but even she knew it wasn't going to fit in that tiny little briefcase.

"Not all of it, detective, just core logistics, a strand of DNA," she said before looking at Finch. "We'll use Caleb's compression algorithm to squeeze it all in." Root looked back at her and John with a smirk. "Who says you can't put the genie back in the bottle?"

"Be careful, Ms. Groves, the process you are describing is completely untested. Even if it does work, the machine will be so highly compressed it won't be able to process information, or send signals or communicate in any way," Harold commented.

"If it doesn't work?" John asked.

"The machine will be torn apart, core code shredded, irretrievable, in short, John, it will kill it. And then they'll kill us and the world as we know it."

Root nodded "At least we'll die trying, we're the machine's last hope, Harold."

"Then we better get to work," Harold said.

Joss watched as the two computer geeks started setting out the bags of ice and put laptops on top of them in a long row. She didn't even want to know how this was going to work, she turned to walk with John who moved to go keep watch once more. He had fixed his ski-mask to cover his face once more and his entire body was stiff with tension.

He shook his head. "There are about twenty more operatives," he murmured as he looked out the window.

" _Actually ten more in the back, about to storm the back entrance._ " Root commented over the earwig.

Joss eyed John. "What's the plan for us, John, we know their plan to save the machine?"

"Instead of being on defense I think we need to go onto offense," he said and they both jerked when they heard gunfire inside. She fixed her ski-mask back in place as John glanced to make sure they were alright and Root was firing rapidly, protecting Finch. "They already breached the back, no telling how long it will take them to breach the front," he murmured urgently.

"John, you're not thinking…" Joss halted as he curtly nodded, running down the steel staircase and she followed him. "You're not going out there alone, John."

"Help Finch and Root save the machine while I stall them," he ordered, ignoring her comment.

She grabbed his forearm. "No, remember, we either die or survive but I'm going to be by your side no matter what," she murmured as she saw operatives lying on the ground of the substation, thanks to Root.

He nodded, thankfully not arguing with her as he motioned at the security mechanism to disarm it. She hurried and did as he motioned and the door clicked. " _John, Carter, we're sitting ducks down here_. _Where the hell are you guys?_ " Root complained via the earwigs.

"I know, Root; that's why Carter and I are about to get some night air." He said to Root with a squeezing touch to Joss as he turned around to look up at a camera near the door. "Can you hear me?" he asked the camera. Joss listened as the machine answered with a 'YES.' "Good, cut the lights." Joss watched as the lights went out. "Joss, stay behind me until I have shot all the tear gas grenades." He commanded and she just nodded.

" _John, Carter_ …" Root whispered in worry; they ignored her.

John exited the building first, with her standing behind him as directed, as he shot all the tear gas grenades he had loaded in the launcher, filling the area with a large blooming smoke screen. She immediately stood beside him as they began getting coordinates from the machine of their enemies' locations. John dropped the launcher down, pulling out his assault rifle and they both began firing.

"Whatever you are going to do, Harold, do it now," he shouted over the din of gunfire as they used the stolen SUV as cover. Joss aimed her gun at the coordinates and degrees the machine gave while trying to use as little ammo as possible and John did the same. "They're hiding behind the vehicles, cover me Joss," he whispered.

"Go," she commanded.

John got to his feet, heading out into the open, and she shot a Decima agent that aimed a weapon his way. John ducked a blow to the face from the butt of a gun, then landed a solid punch. She fired sparingly, listened to his gruff grunts as a punch would land on him, and gunshots rang out.

"John," she asked with her heart in her throat, eyes focused and sharp as the machine gave her another coordinate.

" _Fine, I'm using their guns to shoot them._ " He replied gruffly through the earwig.

After a little while of them systematically taking down the Samaritan agents using the smokescreen to their advantage, the machine stopped giving coordinates altogether, and they were flying blind. Joss shot a man that was aiming at John's back. She kept low to the ground as the smoke still billowed and was slowly rising up in the atmosphere. She kneecapped as many as she could, while trying to get close to John who was kicking ass and using their guns on them, or using their bodies as shields as agents fired upon him. Bodies littered the ground due to John so she kicked guns out of their reach as she skimmed her gaze over her surroundings, searching for John in the smoke, losing sight of him.

"John, where are you?" she asked quietly when adrenaline kicked into high gear as a black man suddenly appeared in her line of vision, smacking her gun out of her hand harshly. Her hand stung as she ducked when he went to punch her, and swiftly kicked him in the groin, grabbed his gun and shot him in the foot as he yelled before punching him in the jaw. She wrestled his weapon free, fired at his knee, and the man landed on the ground moaning. She bent down to grab her rifle when she heard a click and looked up and saw a barrel of a gun aimed at her face.

She didn't get a chance to even react when a gunshot went off and felt blood spray her. She watched as the man dropped lifelessly to the ground, falling towards her. She pushed him to the side so he didn't land on her, and saw John's silhouette in the smoke. John's eyes glowed in the dark, his blue eyes icy and showed no emotion after just killing the man, but she doubted he would as the man had been about to shoot her in the head. He hurried over, shielding her, allowing her to grab her assault rifle and straighten.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine, how about you?" she asked just as quietly.

"Nothing you can't fix," he smirked, whipping off his ski-mask.

"I'll fix you alright," she commented before glancing at the carnage they had made. She and John made a good team as she eyed the men and women lying on the ground, some unmoving and some moaning in pain. But they were what were left standing in the sea of Samaritan agents. It felt like forever before Finch and Root came out of the substation. But soon enough they heard Root and Finch calling for them and they rounded the stolen vehicle and saw them exiting with the briefcase they entered with.

"What's our status?" John asked.

"Well I got one and a half clips and God is either dead or running on double-A batteries," Root said with a quick nod to the briefcase.

"You always did like a challenge Mr. Reese and Detective Carter," Finch added, looking fraught and upset but optimistic.

"Let's go before another wave of Samaritan's men get here," Joss ordered. They didn't have enough fire-power to go round number two. They nodded as they turned and hurried for her car. She climbed into the driver's seat, John rode shotgun while Finch and Root sat in back cradling 'god' between them.

* * *

AN: There were two distinct things different in my version of 4x22 from the show's, besides Carter being there. The first is the ski-masks and I added them because I couldn't fathom how not a single camera would be around there for Samaritan in the middle of residential Brooklyn to blow John's cover *rolls eyes*. John and Root wore ski-masks in 4x13, John wore it again in I think 4x19 so I was kind of annoyed that aspect was left out in this episode. And the second thing I changed because it was bugging me was the end scene where more cars arrived with Samaritan operatives. Like how is it realistic that Root and John had enough ammo for all the ones they had taken down plus have more to take on another 6 or 7 Samaritan agents that arrived. Whatever I know plot holes are a given in any TV show, but I'll admit I was seriously annoyed with these lol.

Next chapter, our baes try to decompress after their firefight and have a meaningful discussion.

Thanks for reading my lovelies XOXOXOXOXOX


	8. Chapter 8

They saved the machine, well sort of, it was in the briefcase and Finch had to reconstruct it but thankfully not from scratch. Root, Finch, John, and Joss had reconvened at the subway HQ where she fussed with a new wound John had sustained from the shootout, while Root and Finch set 'god' on the table protectively. John's new wound was just a graze thankfully, but she was seriously tired of seeing his blood. Once she was sure her stitch job would suffice, she checked Harold and Root for holes in their persons, and was glad to see they hadn't sustained any damage. While John had redressed they had talked a bit, catching each other up on things. Shaw was alive but still in Decima's clutches and she smiled at how visibly relieved John was that Shaw was alive. They will get their friend back if it was the last thing they did. While they talked quietly figuring out their next move she got a call from Fusco. Elias and Dominic were dead, some sniper took them out after Elias had a man T-bone the police van taking them to Rikers. Fusco had to go to the hospital to get treated due to the accident but he was fine otherwise and sincerely irritated but was taking a taxi home.

Joss was silent as they entered John's place together. His alias must still be intact since she figured there would have been Samaritan agents waiting around for them here, but there wasn't even a whisper of a person. Good, she didn't think there was much left in her to go another round. It had been one long ass night of shooting up Samaritan agents as it was. She was just glad that they were at his place where they could just decompress and relax for a while. They were dragging as they removed their jackets and guns.

"You should go home, Joss, be with your son," he murmured as they walked towards his cramped living room and they sat down together on his comfy dark brown couch, unable to remain on their feet.

She glanced at her wrist watch seeing it was two in the morning. "He's asleep anyway. I'll go home before he gets up for school," she assured him, meaning she had a good three hours before she needed to leave. Taylor wouldn't be up until six and there was no way in hell she could go to sleep. She was too wired from tonight. John looked pale, he wasn't fully a hundred percent from his ordeal up in the Catskills, after what happened with Dominic and being tortured and then the fire fight with Samaritan agents, she knew he was hurting.

He exhaled loudly. "I don't know where we go from here," he admitted quietly.

"Neither do I, John, but we'll figure something out."

"Yea, but in the meantime without the machine operational there won't be any numbers coming in, Joss. There's no one to help, no one to stop something bad from happening to them," he said lowly and she grabbed his hand to soothe.

"I know and I know you want to be able to save everyone but we did the best we could. We got that strand of DNA, now Finch and Root won't have to rebuild the machine from scratch."

He looked at her. "Thank you," he said quietly.

She furrowed her brows. "For what?"

"For being there and for helping me, Root and Finch," he explained.

She smiled. "I told you, there is nowhere else I'd rather be, if my number is up I want to be by your side." she said, reminding him of his words he once said to her. "My son, other children, adults, and everyday people deserve to live in a world that is safe and if I die to give them that, then it's a price I'm willing to pay."

"It's not your suicide pact, Joss it's mine that I made with Finch. When he offered me the job he told me that one day we both might end up dead and I joined anyways. I recruited you as an asset, I never meant for you to join the mission, join our suicide pact," John said and she linked their fingers together.

"You're right, Finch never employed me like he did you but I knew the risks when you asked for help on the Andrea Gutierrez case, John, and I didn't care about them because I want to help. I wanted to save people and be there in time rather than bagging bodies after the fact. So I helped. I knew what you did wasn't legal and I had known that wherever you got your information was something secret and could get you killed for knowing about it. I just hadn't figured that Finch built a damned artificial intelligence. And knowing everything I know now, it still doesn't change my mind."

John didn't say much and she smiled as she burrowed into him further. "Plus, I have an added selfish incentive to help, John."

He eyed her questioningly. "What? You are anything but selfish, Joss."

She smiled. "You…"

He reached over sliding his fingers along her jaw, his thumb brushing her lips, and she caught it between her teeth. "I not an incentive for you to risk your life."

She released his tantalizing thumb, eyes searching his. She leaned her head back. "Actually you are John, because I love you and I want a life together."

"And you think working the numbers, nearly getting killed on a nightly basis will give us that?"

She snickered. Of course John didn't get it because the idea of thinking of his future was something he didn't readily do. "I think helping you on your mission will give me exactly that, because after Samaritan gets shut down and we the machine back up and operational, we can have that future. You won't have to hide anymore and you'll be free to do what you want. You could even retire."

He snorted. "Retire?—for people like me retiring means death, Joss."

"It doesn't have to be. I remembered something Mark Snow said once that got me thinking. He said he was shocked you weren't retired in a cabin in the woods, someplace like Montana. Well I wouldn't mind retiring with you someplace tranquil and in a nice cabin in the woods, but preferably here in New York. Or we could get a quiet piece of land on a beach somewhere, someplace private so we can make love on the sand with waves crashing around us," she whispered enticingly, easily envisioning John nice and tanned, beneath her as she made love to him while warm waves crashed upon them. Being retired sounded boring but being retired with John by her side sounded like heaven. "I think Finch will give you a good severance package for all that you risked and endured," she added before she leaned over and kissed his neck, feeling his pulse racing.

"Joss, I can't."

She leaned back. "You can't or you won't?"

"Who am I supposed to have work the numbers in place of me? Finch can't work them."

"Why not Shaw? When we get her back she could work them. She's younger than you, has about the same amount of skill as you, and could handle the load as you can."

"Oh, I'm old now?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, you're not old, but you're in your forties and the physical demands of working the numbers are taking its toll on you, John. You can't work the numbers forever."

"Joss, why are we even talking about this? Shaw is still MIA, Samaritan is still online, and the machine is down and out," he sighed as he looked away and she grabbed his chin forcing his gaze back onto hers.

"Because I love you and your body has been taxed and abused plenty. You have more than had your fair sure of suffering and you paid your dues long enough, and it's high time you got some happiness for a change for all you've given up."

John flinched a bit as she said she loved him. Each new time she said it the more he wanted to hear it. "Alright and what do you think would give me happiness?" he asked.

"Helping people," she said simply and he nodded. "Also having me in your life would give you happiness'" she added with a sly grin.

"You're right on both accounts, Joss," he agreed. "But where are you going with this?"

"Before I explain my point, can you answer me a question?" she asked and she held his hand. He nodded his head. "What about your alias?"

"What about it?" he asked in confusion.

"You can't simply disappear from the world, John, you made connections to it since being forced as John Riley. The captain would start a nationwide manhunt for a missing detective, cops just don't disappear without-a-trace. Not to mention Silva would search high and low, and not stop until you're found."

"No, Captain Moreno won't because I can just quit," he countered. "And I'll keep in touch with Silva when I can."

She shook her head. "Alright, say you did that. How the hell are you going to be vigilante John Reese again? You have a precinct full of cops, detectives, and city officials who could I.D. you," she pointed out and John frowned. She had always wondered why the machine gave John the type of cover it did while Harold and Shaw had gotten ones that no one would ever miss if they disappeared. John simply couldn't. And if he chose to quit his career to fade Riley off that way, life as a vigilante was rendered useless. John couldn't fade into the dark and become a shadow, not when so many people have seen his face, so his man-in-the-suit act didn't play anymore. She wondered if the machine had done it on purpose, forced John into a career that made it hard for him to just fade away from the world.

"John?" she prodded when he didn't respond to her.

He looked at her. "I don't know. Why did the machine put me as a cop when it has all these strings attached?"

"I think the machine wanted to give you something you haven't had for a long time."

"And what's that?"

"I think it wanted to give you a normal life, to live in the light and not the dark, and to help people in a different way. I think the machine gave you this alias so you wouldn't be able to go back to being John Reese, a man you dislike immensely, and give you something that you wanted so badly."

He shook his head as he panicked. What if that was true? What if the machine set this up, forcing him into an alias that he couldn't easily get rid of? Joss was right, having all those people in the precinct knowing him made walking the shadows much more difficult than before. Before no one knew him, so his man-in-the-suit routine worked. No one knew his name, what he looked like, and hadn't even known if he was made up or not. Maxine had called him an urban legend. But now he had an entire precinct full of men and women that knew his face.

"This was your point wasn't it, proving to me that helping save people as a detective could work just the same as working to save the numbers as a vigilante?" he asked quietly as he flicked a quick look her way. She nodded her head. "Being John Reese is all I know, Joss," he said desperately.

"That's a load of bullshit, John," she whispered harshly and his eyes found hers. She could see the clear panic written on his face. The mere idea of losing that 'John Reese' identity was scaring the hell out of John. He looked vulnerable and she scooted closer to him, rubbing his hand in comfort. Time to prove to him he was more than just John Reese: Vigilante. "Being John Reese is not all you know, because John Reese is a front, he's not who you are. John Reese is just someone you wear when you need too. You remember Malcom Booker, don't you?" she pressed.

He laughed shortly. "How can I forget him? He's a good kid, sends me mail and calls me all the time." He muttered as his knee bounced and he tapped his fingers against his armrest in agitation. John was visibly upset at the thought of losing his alias that kept him in the dark.

"Yeah he is and his little sister is cute as a button. You helped him, them, and you even got someone to look into his mother's case. She was freed, and he and his sister were reunited because of you."

He exhaled. "No, because of the lawyer I paid to get them to look at the case. The lawyer did everything," he countered.

She rolled her eyes. "Yea, you're right, the lawyer did, except you footed the bill on a cop's salary because you wouldn't take any money from your stash Harold got. So you went without," she disputed. John wasn't going to wiggle out of taking credit where credit was due. He changed that family's lives for the better. He shrugged as if it didn't matter. "John, you made that boy want to become a cop someday. I read the letters he sent you while I was staying here taking care of you."

"It's impolite to read other people's mail, Joss," he grumbled.

She ignored him. "You took a boy who could have turned to gangs, who could have turned to violence to get what he wanted, and you gave him a positive outlook. That boy was screwed by the system and didn't trust it. But you changed that. He went from Cs to As and making the honor roll, which he proudly sent you a copy to show you. You changed his life John, not vigilante John Reese."

"Joss…"

"Don't be afraid of letting 'Reese' go John. He's not who you are, you are not defined by who you were. Just like the definition of me wasn't being a lawyer."

He stared at her. "You argue like one," he muttered.

"Which is why I went to school for it, John," she said with a quick smile before she grew serious again. "We'll figure this out after we shut down Samaritan, get the machine up again, and find our little friend. There is the chance you can possibly still work the numbers and keep your alias in place, and go on as you are right now, just without the added fear of being caught by Samaritan. But I just want you to know that there is life after the numbers no matter what you choose to do; retire, stay a cop, or do whatever," she reassured. She didn't want him so riled up that he wouldn't get any sleep. And she noticed that the utter panic on his face was receding as the conversation was ending.

"Will you be there?"

"Where?" she questioned.

"By my side?"

"Always, I'll always be by your side like you will always be by mine, John."

"Then I'll be alright."

She smiled as she leaned over to brush her lips against his. John turned and tried to deepen the kiss but she pulled back. "To be continued, healing gunshot, remember, and you had a screwdriver jammed into it." She clucked.

"Damn Dominic."

She giggled softly as she slowly got to her feet. "Besides I don't want to feel like death warmed over when we make love next. I have been patiently waiting like a good little girl and want our next time to be just as special the first time," she said as he got to his feet.

"Now who's keeping us from having at one another?" he complained with a sulking look and she smiled as she grabbed his hands to tug him to his bedroom. "I could make it quick."

"Way to get in a girl's pants, John," she huffed. "I prefer long drawn out lovemaking than wham-bam-get you off as fast as I can, thank you very much," she teased gently and watched as he yawned heavily. She felt similar but she still had to head home.

He eyed her slyly. "Well, Joss, sex with you is so good that I can't help but lose control."

She laughed heartedly as she tugged him into the bedroom and pushed his suit blazer off of his trim form. "Nice try, John, but it didn't work and it's off to bed with you."

John grumbled a bit as he glared her way as he undressed, before grabbing the comforter and sliding into bed. "Happy now, you tyrant?"

"You enjoy me having the guts to boss you around," she countered as she leaned over and kissed him soundly before leaning back. "You don't fool me with your surly attitude." She smiled softly as his eyes struggled to remain open nearly the minute his head hit the pillow. She furrowed her brows when he whispered something. "I didn't hear you, John."

His eyes lifted to half slits and she leaned close to hear him. "I said I lov…" he started and her breath caught and nearly cried in frustration as he lost his stubborn battle with his exhaustion. Joss leaned back and brushed some hair that slid onto his forehead back. "You can tell me tomorrow, goodnight John," she whispered before kissing his cheek, then turning to leave.

* * *

AN: Only one more chapter left :) And for anyone that didn't see season 4 Malcolm Booker was a number John worked in episode 4 I always love watching episodes with John and children, I loved how John didn't pull any punches with Malcolm and just told him like it was because Malcolm responded to it :)

Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

She was glad her son decided to hang out with his dad for the weekend. After John nearly told her he loved her last night (or more like this morning), she had gone home and wished she could call someone to share the news with. Just think, if Shaw was around she could almost hear the vulgar things that would spew out of that tiny sailor's mouth about her and John! They had to get her back, she missed Shaw, and for a woman that claimed she had no emotions she did okay. But when her kid woke up for school, she spilled the beans to him and he had been happy for her. Taylor had always liked John and she had been ecstatic when he suggested he'd stay at his dad's. Her kid was a sweetheart.

Once Taylor was off to school, she showered and changed into fresh clothes for work. Joss decided to check out of work early to head home for a nap and head to John's place later in the evening for dinner. She needed to talk to him about his almost 'I love you'. While she had been at work he had graced them with his presence, looking tense, as if he was waiting for Samaritan operatives to be lying in wait. But when no one paid him any attention, or anything out of the ordinary happened he relaxed. She exercised great restraint she thought at not walking up to his desk and demanding to talk about the almost 'I love you' then and there. She had been proud of herself when they talked near the coffee-pot about how things were going with Finch and Root, before she headed for home for that much needed nap.

But that was then and this was now, and now she needed to talk to him about what he nearly said to her as he fell asleep. Joss was in his apartment building up on the third floor where his apartment was and knocked on his hard wooden door. It took a mere minute to hear heavy footsteps, then a slight pause before the door unlocked and opened. She smiled at him taking in his casual and relaxed look with being barefoot and in jeans and t-shirt. She liked this look, it was so unlike his man-in-the-suit look, it was a nice change. John hadn't shaved this morning so when he arrived at the precinct he was scruffy and he was still scruffy now-just worse (or better, depending on your perspective). It reminded her much of the night when he came to her when he couldn't find Shaw. And she squirmed as she thought about how that night ended.

She smiled as she held out a box of pizza and a six pack of beer. "My treat," she said. John smiled as he let her in before closing and locking the door. "I'm hungry and I figured you'd be too," she admitted.

"I am, I was actually thinking of getting takeout myself," he admitted before he took the food and beer from her so she could remove her leather jacket. She hung it up on top of his long wool coat and followed him to the small kitchen that was attached to his equally small living room.

"That's because good minds think alike, John. How about we eat in your living room and watch the B-ball game," she suggested. He nodded and took the items she brought with him to his living room. They sat down together and he turned the television on. They watched the b-ball game leisurely while eating pizza and drinking beer. They yelled at the ref who made a bad call. "Is the ref blind, Richardson clearly traveled like five feet, and yet called our guy for goaltending? Unbelievable!" she complained, throwing the crust down, unable to eat another single bite of pizza.

John chuckled softly at her complaint about the refs as he finished off the last of his beer before setting it on the coffee-table beside the near empty cardboard box. Joss shifted to angle herself to be facing him and he watched as some unknown emotion flickered across her face.

He tapped her knee. "What?"

She blinked and eyed him. "What?" she asked right back.

"You seem lost in thought or upset, what's wrong?"

"How's rebuilding our cyber friend going?" she asked instead.

He exhaled as he leaned back lacing his fingers together and glared up at his ceiling. "Slow. Finch and Root think they can manage to get the machine back online and operational, but there is no timeframe."

"John we'll get through this. We might be down but we're not out. Your cover identity and Finch's are still intact." She resisted to point out that they probably wouldn't have been had she not insisted he put a ski-mask on.

He looked at her. "It feels like I'm back to square one, back before we got our mesh-net phones that kept Samaritan from listening in on us, back when I was in Narcotics."

Joss nodded. "And I know how unhappy you were at that time but its different now."

"How?" he demanded.

"You got me now. Back when you first were forced into the Riley persona, technically you and I never met. But now in the eyes of Samaritan we have been friends for a while with you being transferred to the 8th and a little more than that. Or at least that's what everyone at the precinct is hoping for."

John's brows furrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

She laughed. "It's cute that you don't realize that the precinct is a cesspool of raging hormones and a hotbed of gossip. There's a reason why TV loves to have cop dramas, John. But Silva filled me in on the fact that there is an office pool going of when we'll get together," she said.

"Who started it?"

"The captain," she answered and John's jaw dropped which made her giggle softly. "She has been hoping I could tame the wild former Narco-cowboy, so you'll stop shooting kneecaps. And if people saw you touching my face yesterday as a sign of the progression of our relationship then Fusco is the closest date and he wins nearly a grand," she said and he grumbled under his breath. She smiled softly before it slid away.

He glanced at her. "What is it, Joss, you look like you wanted to say something for a while now?"

"I do, I just don't want to upset you," she admitted.

"I'd like to know what's wrong, Joss, no matter what it is," he assured her.

She nodded. "Okay, last night before you fell asleep you were about to say something to me, what was it?" she asked. And he furrowed his brows as he thought.

He didn't remember trying to say anything last night. "I'm not sure. The last thing I remember is us talking about the fact that the machine might have just killed the Reese alias once Samaritan is offline. Everything after that is a little fuzzy. I think I remember you taking me to bed," he said before staring at her mouth before finally lifting them back up to her eyes. "And then didn't join me," he purred as he scooted closer. "My wound is healing, Joss, and I feel good." He leaned over her, brushing his warm lips against her neck over her racing pulse.

Joss felt a ridiculous amount of wetness escape her at having John eager and willing. "You were about to tell me you loved me," she blurted out before he sidetracked her. John pulled back and stared down at her, his eyes unreadable so she plunged ahead. "You whispered it and then I asked you what you said and you repeated it but didn't finish," she said and felt her heart begin to pound. She didn't really realize how much she wanted to hear it until last night when he almost got it out before he fell asleep. She hadn't had a man tell her he loved her since Paul. And she wanted it. Badly.

"I did?" John stared down at her and could easily see the hopeful look on her face. She was hoping he would say it now. He never said it before to a woman and was shocked that he had tried last night. Not even Jessica and he had loved her, but never told her. He ended things with her and she never knew how he felt because he had been scared to say the words as it would somehow protect him more if he didn't. It was one of the things he regretted most about what happened with Jessica. Not just that he failed her, felt guilty he hadn't come back in time to save her, but he felt intensely angry at himself for never telling her how he felt. And now it felt like a foreign concept because he hadn't loved or been loved in return for a long time. But he did love this woman, he loved her so much, but putting voice to his feeling was never one of his strong suits.

Joss watched as a kaleidoscope of emotions flickered one after the other on his face. "John, it is okay if you can't, I understand," she whispered, trying hard to not feel disappointed.

"No it's not. You want to hear it and I want to say it, it's just hard," he admitted, running a hand through his short hair in annoyance. "I never said it before, Joss."

Her jaw dropped. "Never?—not even to Jessica?" she questioned incredulously. She knew how much he loved Jessica. He shook his head. She felt a surge of something inside her that he wanted to tell her, he just didn't know how. "John, it's okay, the words will come when you're ready to say them. It won't be hard once you are ready," she reassured.

"But you want to hear them."

"I do, but I want you to feel comfortable saying it. You're not comfortable saying it right now, which is why you are having a hard time. When you're ready you'll know, it will either slip out kind of like mine did or you'll feel like you'll about to burst until you tell me," she said with a soft smile.

He leaned over and kissed her, maybe if he couldn't express it with words, he could show her how much he loved her. She let out a soft sigh as she kissed him back, as he twisted so he could push her onto her back, under him on his couch. He covered her as he kissed her passionately, but she broke the kiss.

"Oh god, John, your wound…" she muttered.

"…is healing," he trailed his tongue down her neck.

"You were tortured." she said and he rotated his pelvis, brushing up against her, hearing her hiss of pleasure. He repeated the action, liking the friction, but wanted less clothing in the way. He kissed the patch of skin on her chest that was showing before licking his tongue back up her neck and kissed her warmly as he slid his hands up to palm her breasts. Her nipples were already hard.

He slid his arms under her before sitting back and snatched her up off the couch. She broke the kiss. "What are you doing?" she demanded as he carried her to his bedroom. "John, your doctor said no sex until your next appointment which is tomorrow,"'she reminded him as he dropped her on his bed, tugging her shoes off. She tried to roll to get off the bed but he grabbed her shins in his hands, standing between her legs.

John stared down at her. "I'm healthy enough to have sex, I know my body better than any doctor," he said as he let go of her shins and climbed on to the bed, pinning her down.

"John," but the blasted man swallowed any protest she had with a warm and hungry mouth. She was helpless to surrender to the feelings he aroused in her. She moaned as his hands roamed a bit, while his tongue did wonderful things in her mouth.

He finally released her lips when he thoroughly kissed her and he concentrated on getting her naked. He was glad she had forgotten about the stupid doctor's advice. He felt fine. John got her pants undone with one hand while the other one had snuck under her shirt to palm her breast. He leaned over her and kissed her as he slid his hand beneath the elastic of her panties, and found her wet for him. She sucked in a breath as he circled her swollen nub of desire. He sunk one finger into her to see just how ready she was for him.

Her lips broke free from his. "John," she breathed as her hips jerked in response as he added a second finger into her. He stared down at her as he worked her core with his hand, watching. He wanted fewer clothes in his way but he kept the slow touch wanting to take his time. Her hips lifted in need. "Please," she begged and he wondered if she knew what she was asking for. But he just kept the slow circular motion of his thumb on her clit, while gliding his fingers in and out of her wet heat. He smiled when her thighs clenched together, as he leaned over her.

"Come like this, Joss."

She groaned. "I can't…"

"Yes you can," he countered. "Close your eyes." She reluctantly did so. "Now tell me what you imagine is between your legs right now."

Her breath hitched. "You…"

"My what, my mouth or my cock?" he asked huskily.

She moaned. "I don't care."

"Yes you do, what do you want between your legs Joss?"

"Both," she shuddered as her legs spread. "I want your love, John," she whimpered as he removed his hand from inside her. He removed his hand from her pants and tugged them down until she was naked from the waist down. He shimmied down until he was between her legs.

"Tell me where you want me to start," he whispered. Joss sat up, leaning on her forearms. She was still in her shirt and bra, her nipples visible through both. Her scent was whafing through his nostrils, making him hungry as he licked his lips. She moaned as she watched his tongue. "Tell me, Joss,"he urged. He wanted her to be in control of this, he wanted to do as she asked.

"Kiss my thigh," she murmured.

He smiled as he turned his head and pressed open mouth kisses to her inner thigh and she sighed. "How about the other one?" he asked gently.

"Mmm," she moaned in answer and he turned his head and kissed her other thigh, licking his tongue in circles.

He paused and looked up at her through hooded eyes. "Now what, Joss?"

"Kiss me."

"Where?"

"You know where…"

"I do know where but I want to hear you say it," he pressed. He loved that she seemed hesitant to ask for what she wanted, it meant that she didn't do it often, and was letting go of some of her inhibitions.

"Here," she whispered as he watched her slide between her legs and touch herself. He moaned, watching her touch herself instead of verbalize her needs was alright too. He kissed her hand before it slid away and he immediately kissed her clit softly. She sighed as he settled onto her lightly, taking it slowly. He kissed every inch of her before repeating the same path but this time with his tongue. Joss's hips jumped and he grabbed a hold of them to hold her steady.

John could feel how close she was to her orgasm, heard it in her moans of his name. He wanted her to love her forever…and he stopped, pulling his mouth from her sex. Joss had been right, when you needed to say it you nearly would burst if you didn't.

Joss moaned in protest as he slid back from pleasuring her, sitting back on his haunches. "Joss…"

"What?—get back to doing what you were doing," she huffed in annoyance. She had been exceedingly close to coming again. That was the second time she had nearly went over the edge and the second time the jerk stopped.

"You said when I was ready, I'd know it."

"Said what about when?" she was having a hard time functioning with her body feeling more taut than a piano string.

He smiled so shyly, which was crazy since he had been just between her legs, uninhibitedly sucking her nearly off and doing wonderfully carnal things to her, and yet kept a naivety to him. "I love you," he said quietly.

Her sex throbbed madly for him to finish what he started but the fog surrounding her brain lifted the moment he uttered the words. She sat up and stared at him. "What did you just say?"

"I said I love you, Joss," he repeated more forcefully then the first time. She squealed happily as she launched herself at him and kissed him hungrily. His thick erection was pressing against her belly.

She pushed back and rubbed the stupid tears away. "I knew you could say it, though how am I supposed to recall this story to anyone! Oh hey, John told me he loved me in the middle of sucking on me," she said annoyed. "Oh who cares, you said it!" she exclaimed as she grabbed his cheeks and kissed him again, hard.

John sighed as they kissed and it seemed Joss was done being the only one receiving any pleasure because she was attacking his clothes with rage. She tugged her mouth free. "You. Naked. Now." she said sternly as he climbed off the bed disrobing until he was fully naked.

She licked her lips as he climbed back onto the bed, he smiled at her. "Yes ma'am," he purred.

She growled as she shoved him backwards and he toppled over and she climbed on him, settling herself above him. "Don't ever call me…." she paused as she positioned him before sinking down on him in one thrust. He moaned as he grabbed her hips tightly. "…ma'am." she groaned before rising up his thick shaft just to thrust downward on him.

He raised his knees up and she leaned against them as she rode him slowly at first before he grabbed her hips pushing and pulling her harder and harder on him. Slowly the pleasure spiraled tighter, pulling them both towards the edge, and they found their climax nearly at the same time, Joss just edged him out by mere milliseconds. Her sex clutched onto his and he was helpless to his own orgasm as he called out her name in answer to his being sung to from her.

After several moments she slumped on top of him and he wrapped his arms around her. They were quiet for a little while. "Thank you for saying it," she whispered, her breathing was just starting to get regulated.

He smiled as he kissed the top of her head. "Thank you for being patient with me," he whispered and he felt her smile against his chest. 

* * *

Joss stretched and her toes separated as she rolled over and saw John sprawled out, out like a light. They had been making love off and on. She had gotten another 'I love you' out of him as they lay cuddled together. She smiled as she scooted closer to him. Well, last time he had awakened her, this time it was her turn.

She slid her hand under the covers and grabbed him. She watched his face as she began stroking him, feeling his cock stirring to life in her hand. After a little while he was coming to life and not just the guy that gave her so much pleasure, but John himself. His eyelids lifted a bit as she stroked his burgeoning erection.

"I need sleep." he complained softly.

"Yeah well you didn't seem so worried about sleeping about an hour ago when you woke me up." she commented dryly as she worked his tip with her thumb and he moaned. John grabbed her hand, tugging it from him, before rolling her over and pinned her to the bed.

Joss giggled as John peppered teasing kisses all over. He gently pinned her hands to the bed. "You woke me up, now you're in for it." He purred.

"I certainly feel your up." She teased.

"Oh you're going to feel it alright I was having such a good dream." He leaned over her and kissed her warmly, before letting go of her one hand to draw his left fingers down her body brushing her nipples teasingly.

Joss sighed as she arched her back. "I'll give you something better than a dream." His head jerked to the side as someone knocked hard at his door. "Don't answer it," she begged.

"I have too." He muttered before stealing a kiss, before glancing at the alarm clock on his nightstand seeing what time it was. Who would knock on his door at midnight? "Stay put." He commanded before climbing off of her as he tugged his underwear back on.

She snorted. "I don't think so." She called out. He chuckled as he hurried to the door, before cautiously looking through the peephole. He grew tense as there was no one there. He turned to go get his weapon when he saw Joss standing in the room wearing his shirt.

"Grab my gun, Joss." He whispered. She nodded before disappearing into his room and then reappearing with their weapons. He took his and she put her back against the wall as he readied himself as he unlocked the door, and opened it. They both aimed their weapons at nothing and found a large mailer envelope on the floor. He furrowed his brows as he cautiously looked up and down his hall of his apartment before grabbing the mailer envelope. "Oh my god," he murmured as he eyed who was the sender, before kicking the door shut.

Joss immediately locked the door for him. "Who is it from because the mail does not get delivered this late?" she commented before she looked at the sender. "Who the hell is Ernest Thornhill?"

He forced his eyes off the mailer to look at Joss. "Ernest Thornhill is the machine's alias, remember that number we worked a while ago before HR busted you down on that shooting that was good and you asked me to trust you, and I couldn't say anything." She nodded, recalling that now.

"I remember now and now I understand why you didn't want to involve me. But I'm more than a little involved now." She said as she touched his lower back. "Okay, so if that's the machine's alias and SHE's in her little briefcase how the hell did she send you this?"

"Look at the date on the post office stamp," he commented and she eyed it. "Yesterday's date, SHE had sent this to someone to bring this to my alias before she was crammed in her new humble abode." He said as he handed her his gun as she disappeared back into his bedroom to put them away as he maneuvered to his living room. He didn't recognize the address of who this was shipped to but if he had to bet money, he'd bet it was Harper who the machine sent his package to, to bring it to him now. Just why now, at midnight?

He sat down on the couch and felt Joss nestle against him. Her hands on his shoulder and he felt a soft kiss to his cheek as he tugged out a big packet from the already opened mailer and furrowed his brows as he eyed it. The first page had two columns of numbers.

"They're social security numbers, Joss." He whispered.

"I see that, but what does it mean, and why are they numbered one through…." She paused as she leafed through the packet. "…whatever?"

"It's the contingency plan, like I was for Finch if something happened to him. The machine learned from him to have a backup plan." John said smiling widely.

"Okay?" she was exactly sure what the hell he meant.

John looked at her. "When Finch was kidnapped by Root, I was given Leon's number. I thought he was going to lead me to find Finch because I asked the machine to help me. But it didn't, the number I received was because Leon has a penchant for trouble. I was the contingency plan if anything happened to Harold, so there was someone to work the numbers."

"And you think that the machine learned from Harold and came up with HER own contingency plan?"

John nodded. "As you know how we get our people we save are by their socials being given to us. These are future numbers, men or women that the machine saw were going to be in a violent crime sometime soon. Usually we received the numbers when it became imminent."

Joss's eyes grew large. "So the machine before it went offline, gave you all the people the machine has been watching and listed them in numerical order so you know who to work first. SHE's crafty, and definitely Finch's machine." Joss said with a slow smile as she slid her hand through his hair. "Do you know why SHE sent it to you and not Harold?"

"I think it's because the machine knew that they were going to have their hands full trying to rebuild HER." he answered.

She nodded. "How about waiting until now in the middle of the night? So what, not to have anyone watching?" Joss wondered.

He shook his head. "No, I think the significance of the timing is more internal then that. Every night at midnight Finch programmed the machine to erase the irrelevant numbers. I think the machine had Harper bring this to me at this time out of importance to HER to save the numbers." he admitted quietly, he was going to call Harper up and found out if it was her or not, before smiling at Joss. "But do you know what this means, Joss?" he asked and she shook her head. "We're back in business."

She smiled lovingly at him seeing how excited that 'team machine' was back in business and that Samaritan didn't totally knock the machine out of the running. But she snatched the packet out of his hands and placed it on his coffee table. "We'll figure this all out and save the world tomorrow because it's late, right now we're going to go back in your bedroom, and finish what we were just about to start." She nibbled on his ear before standing up, holding her hand out for him.

He eyed the packet and then her. "You're right, tomorrow we'll save the world, tonight is just me and you." he whispered before he grabbed her hand and stood up, to follow her back into his bedroom.

* * *

AN: This is it for now, I might do a follow up after season 5 is finished to see how they save Shaw and tweak it to fit my wishes for what could have been. But anyways thanks to everyone that read, wrote a review, or what have you I appreciate it. XOXOXOXOXOXOX


End file.
